I keep thinking about . The disbelief is starting to dissipate and is flooding my heart. I that I shut him out of my life, but I know why I did it: we had a special connection which scared me1; I was still hung up on my past relationship with ; and I knew my would not accept him and would judge me harshly for a man who was part black.2

Derek and I could have been happy together if I hadn’t been so hung up on those things. They all seem so meaningless now. Rejecting him is one of my worst mistakes and I will probably always regret my foolishness.

There are so many things I wish I told him.

He was a special man because he was very much his own person. He thoroughly rejected the notion of conformity. He also accepted me and all my flaws; he saw things in me that I couldn’t see in myself.

We understood each other. We were so much alike it’s almost scary. He truly loved me and I hurt him because I fooled myself into thinking I couldn’t him. The truth is I loved him a lot and now he will never know that.

On this day..


  1. I was afraid of getting hurt again [↩]
  2. I briefly dated a black guy when I was a teenager and my grandparents silently became unglued. They had the aura of disappointment emanating from them so I stopped seeing him in and effort to ease their disappointment. My grandparents are old-school and believe interracial relationships are wrong. I don’t share their belief, however, I love them and it deeply hurts me when I let them down. [↩]