I drove to my step-cousin’s house to get some bud earlier. I planned on getting in and out because I don’t particularly like Lisa. In fact, she has persistently irritated me for the past 22 years. She just rubs me the wrong way. However, I ended up being there for almost two hours.

We sat there and talked a little, and then we smoked a bowl together. After that, we started talking our asses off. She was telling me about her motorcycle wreck a month ago. It was pretty bad, she almost lost her leg. The doctors had to remove a lot of her calf muscle, so she can barely walk right now.

We talked about my mom. Lisa told me that my mom has been buying again and that she is in a lot of debt because her gambling habit. She keeps getting pulled over as well. My uncle and I had to bail her out of jail last weekend.

She’ll be 48 years old in about 5 weeks and she still behaves like a rebellious teenager. She still expects me to take care of her and I just can’t do it anymore. Fuck, I’m having a hard time taking care of myself right now.

It is difficult, but I just have to face the fact that my mom is not going to get better unless I stop enabling her. I have to stop giving her a place to stay and giving her . It’s time to put my foot down. I feel like a heartless bitch, but it’s the only thing left to do that I can think of – I’ve exhausted the other options.

I talked with Lisa about myself a little. It’s rare for me to tell people (IRL) about my and problems. She actually listened to what I was saying and it made me feel a little better.

Talk while under the influence of marijuana works well for me. I am better able to get in touch with my feelings; better yet, I can objectively evaluate myself and look at my options for change.

Marijuana makes me feel a helluva lot better than all those fucking pills the doctor wants me to take. It motivates me to help myself. It removes my blinders and lets me clearly understand what is happening and how I can improve it. I wish Oklahoma would recognize the medicinal value of marijuana.

I smoked for the first time since March this past Monday. I stopped because I wanted to resign from and go to somewhere else. Most employers do a pre-employment drug test. It sucks that the least harmful drug (next to caffeine and nicotine) stays in people’s systems for 30-45 days and fucked up drugs like meth are out of people’s systems in three days.

Since then I’ve noticed an improvement. I’m coming out of my shell again and I’m gaining enthusiasm for life. I think the absence of marijuana from my regimen was a major contributing factor to the depressive phase of this episode. I know it is the reason I wasn’t writing. I didn’t have the energy or even the will to live; I merely existed.

Nobody can persuade me in changing my opinion about the anti-depressant benefits of marijuana. I know its value from experience. I just get by on the prescription meds, but marijuana brings me back to life. It is my lifesaver and I wish that all bipolar and depressive people would have access to it as a legal medication. However, I know the American government is still being stubborn assholes and ignoring the facts about marijuana.

On this day..