Last year, around this time, I had been thinking about my friend, Brown quite a lot. He had moved to California to on the indie film “Isolation”. We texted and talked on the phone quite a bit at first, but from January until June 2007 I was wrapped up in my own life and recovery. I am sorry to say that I neglected my friendship with . We were kindred spirits, but I was not there for him when he needed me.

I had sent him a text message asking how he was doing. Someone replied and told me he was dead. I asked if the person was serious and he replied with “yeah.” I was in shock and did not want to believe it so I did not respond, even to ask what happened. Deep down I knew what had happened.

Over this past year I have frequently thought about Derek, but I didn’t have the heart to research his possible . I’ve been thinking about him a lot since around June 9th and I finally decided to check on him June 20th.

I found out what I already knew… Derek is dead. It hit me hard. The director of “Isolation” has a myspace page and he wrote a blog entry in honor of Derek, he did not mention how Derek died, but I know that he killed himself. One of the things Derek and I shared was tendencies.

I checked out Derek’s myspace page a little while ago and my suspicion was confirmed by a blog entry he wrote on what was to be the last day of his life: June 9, 2007. The entry is as follows:

“Trash”
Sometimes I think I’m more than I am
It doesn’t take long to realize the truth
Though I’m smarter than the average bear
I’m still nothing more than a man.

I hope against hope this is perceptual.
Something deep within will make it fake.
But I can’t fight against what I’ve always known.
I bid you all aideu.

This legacy will remain here after.
But it is just a ghost.
I’ll hold a place for those that deserve it.
Where it is I must go.

How? This is the question that tempts the now
I can’t think of the method to pass.
Helpful people I do not know.
But this is just one more trial.

The motivated always find a way
to bridge this tiny gap
I’m oh so very motivated
To sleep that eternal way.

By Derek Brown

It is such a waste; he had so much to offer the world. I am no longer in denial about his death, but I am still in shock and deeply saddened. I am also angry with him for ending his life. I need more time to come to terms with his death.

I loved Derek and I hope he found what he was looking for.

I have re-read Oklahoma Ward’s (the director) tribute to Derek several times, it is very touching. Tribute to Derek Brown

On this day..