Archive for June 22, 2008
I keep thinking about Derek. The disbelief is starting to dissipate and regret is flooding my heart. I regret that I shut him out of my life, but I know why I did it: we had a special connection which scared me1; I was still hung up on my past relationship with Erick; and I knew my family would not accept him and would judge me harshly for dating a man who was part black.2
Derek and I could have been happy together if I hadn’t been so hung up on those things. They all seem so meaningless now. Rejecting him is one of my worst mistakes and I will probably always regret my foolishness.
There are so many things I wish I told him.
- I was afraid of getting hurt again [↩]
- I briefly dated a black guy when I was a teenager and my grandparents silently became unglued. They had the aura of disappointment emanating from them so I stopped seeing him in and effort to ease their disappointment. My grandparents are old-school and believe interracial relationships are wrong. I don’t share their belief, however, I love them and it deeply hurts me when I let them down. [↩]
Last year, around this time, I had been thinking about my friend, Derek Brown quite a lot. He had moved to California to work on the indie film “Isolation”. We texted and talked on the phone quite a bit at first, but from January until June 2007 I was wrapped up in my own life and recovery. I am sorry to say that I neglected my friendship with Derek. We were kindred spirits, but I was not there for him when he needed me.