Jun

18

A Strange Dream - Starring My Mother

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I had this really strange dream about my momearlier. She was standing over a stove stirring something and there was a ceiling fan directly above her. A gigantic snake was wrapped around the base of it. The snake looked like a 14+ foot burmese python or anaconda. Right about the time I noticed the snake, it opened its huge jaws and latched on to my mother’s head. I grabbed a butcher knife from the counter, then stabbed and sliced the snake until it released her.

Then I woke up.

Jun

18

I’m Feeling a Little Better

Filed Under My Episodes, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

I don’t know why I was so upset this morning. I guess it was because I hadn’t been to bed yet and I was in a bad mood. I still don’t like having to take the , but I was just whining. I guess I need to have faith that eventually we will find the right drug cocktail to get my moods stable.

I don’t feel much different than I did this morning when I wrote my previous post, but at least after I got some sleep today I took a shower, changed my clothes, fixed my hair, and cleaned my room. There is a lot I still need to do, but I have to take baby steps. If not, I’ll just get more frustrated and overwhelmed.

I’m trying to keep myself busy so I don’t have time to brood and beat myself up for being ill.

Jun

18

What’s Been Going on with Me?

Filed Under My Episodes, Treatment | 1 Comment

Geez, it’s been so long since I’ve updated that I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been a roller coaster, just like always. I swear I get so sick of it sometimes. I have to take all these fucking medications every damn day. I wonder what all these fucking pills are doing to my liver. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve been manicky and depressed at the same time: it’s a mixed episode and it sucks ass. Mixed are worse than manic or depressive because I don’t know what to expect from one day to the next. I’ve been leaning more toward a depressive episode. I haven’t been taking care of myself and I haven’t had much energy. I want to sleep all the time, and I’ve only been changing my clothes every couple days.

I think it’s strange that I don’t have the energy to take care myself and stuff like that, but I have the energy to spend 16 hours reorganizing my kitchen. I fucking alphabetized the spices for crying out loud. I also rearranged furniture and cleaned up my ex-roommates old room. I organized all the closets in the house as well as most of the files on my computer. The house was spotless, from top to bottom, and I’ve revamped my website. At the time, all of that seemed perfectly normal and I was proud of myself for doing it all. The first thing my roommate asked me after he seen what I done was, ‘Did you take your meds? Are you having a manic episode?’ After he said that I thought about my actions and I realized it was manic behavior.

I’ve also been isolating myself from all of my and my family. Hell, I’ve only left the house three or four times in the past five weeks and one of the times was just to go to the doctor; that was this past Monday. She re-prescribed the Lexapro and upped the milligrams of it and the Abilify. I hate the side effects that come along with Lexapro and I don’t want to take it. However, she is adamant that it’s the best thing for me in addition to the Wellbutrin, Lamical, and Abilify.

I’ve already lost my job, my boyfriend and a few close because of this episode. What next?
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