Life Goes On… Without Erick
I hadn’t been talking to Erick too much between September and December. We talked, just not as frequently as we did this past August or before we split up so long ago. Back then we usually talked a minimum of three hours and as many as ten hours per day – every day. We never ran out of things to talk about.
Anyone who knows me or has dug around far enough into my blog knows that I wanted nothing more than to reconcile with Erick. I wanted that almost from the day we split up (four years ago) until very recently. In fact, a part of me still hopes to reconcile. However, that part has been getting smaller and smaller daily – since around November.
I no longer feel butterflies or giddiness when I see him on yahoo messenger or if he leaves me offline messages. I no longer feel sad if he doesn’t get online to talk to me several times a week. I no longer care if we have cybersex or not. I no longer care if he calls or comes to visit. I no longer think about him everyday. I no longer want to keep my romantic life on hold waiting for him to get over his divorce. The majority of these changes have taken place over the past five or six weeks.
When I was going through my celibacy phase I began allowing myself to admit that I wanted a real relationship, not casual sex. I had a lot of time to ponder and analyze my relationships because I wasn’t making sex my number one priority. Sometime, between then and now, I accepted the fact that I do deserve love, respect, and happiness.
I accepted that Erick and I may never be a couple again and I’m okay with that. My life with go on if I let it and stop holding on to the past. I can’t control what happens, but I can control how it affects me and my life.
I’m not quite certain what inspired this change in me – it happened a little bit at a time. I barely noticed the little changes as they happened, but now I feel a HUGE difference and I’m happy with it. I am becoming healthier. That became apparent when I stopped enmeshing myself in Erick.
I still value his friendship a great deal and I respect him as a person, but I no longer feel like my happiness is contingent upon our reconciliation. I no longer yearn for us to be together.
I had decided to start looking for a potential relationship instead of a friendship with benefits or a fuckbuddy. I got a little sidetracked with Peter and Patrick, but luckily the lapse in judgment didn’t last long. I have been talking to more mature men that respected me as a person and weren’t just wanting a piece of ass and now I have a boyfriend.
On this day..
- Abuse & Boundaries Group - 2007
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.