My path to recovery has been slippery at best. Intellectually, I know I shouldn’t be doing some of the things I am because they are perpetuating my symptoms. However, habits, especially unhealthy ones, are difficult to break. It may even be possible that I am sabotaging myself.

When I was still seeing Charlotte1 she would tell me not to get down on myself so much for making mistakes and that it takes time to recover from mental illness. That is a rational point of view. My point of view is often skewed due to irrationality.

Hindsight is 20/20 and when I look back over my past I can see many instances where irrational thoughts reigned supreme over me, but I still have not figured out how to determine whether my present thoughts are rational or not. I guess that’s what counselors, psychologists, and therapists are for.

I haven’t been to since the end of September. I’m certain that is why my progress stalled and then began reversing. I need to get back into it, but I have to be able to afford the co-pays first and in order to do that I need more income than the puny check Met Life sends me. It barely covers rent and utilities.

I want to go back to 2. I’ve been driving myself nuts rattling around the house all day with nothing to do except play on my computer or sleep. However, the doctor does not want me returning to until at least February 1st.

I’m not sure how long I’m going to last there once I go back. I have to get away from that place. It is more detrimental to my mental than any of my bad habits. In my mind, Directv is an evil entity that doesn’t give a damn if I’m ill or not, they just want me to work my ass off until I have another breakdown or die.

On this day..


  1. one of my counselors [↩]
  2. just not at Directv [↩]