My sister called me earlier. She wants me to watch tonight because she has a date. She hasn’t been spending much time with her daughter lately because either she’s working or going out.

Honestly, I don’t care if goes out a couple times a week because that means I get to spend that time with McKayla. I look at it like I can’t have children1 but that doesn’t mean I can’t be an important part of a child’s life. Biology isn’t everything; I couldn’t possibly McKayla more than I already do, even if I had given birth to her.

Thinking about Jess as a mother reminded me a bit of our mother. Our mom was eighteen when she gave birth to me and Jess was eighteen when she had McKayla. My mom pawned me off on people frequently so she could go to the bar in search of a man. I felt like my mother resented me for inconveniencing her life with my needs. Jess loves her daughter, but I know a part of her wishes she had waited.

What is it like to have a loving mother instead of a resenting one; a mother that cares more about you than she does herself?

I will never know the answer to that question, but I know without a doubt McKayla will never feel unloved or unworthy. I also know that if anyone ever abuses her they will it the rest of their life. I’ve always been very protective of my loved ones, but that is tenfold when it comes to my niece. I will be there for McKayla until I take my last breath.

On this day..


  1. after the miscarriages plus all the I have to take I’ve all but given up on motherhood [↩]