During my depressive , I isolate myself from the entire world, including my loved ones. I lost many relationships and critically damaged several others because my illness. The familial relationships I have managed to maintain aren’t as close as they could be. I never learned how to let someone into my inner world.

Occasionally, I venture out of my not-so-happy place and try to re-join the world of the living, but it doesn’t tend to last very long. I retreat back into my reinforced steel shell because I cannot handle being close enough to rely on someone.

I’m sure it’s difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn’t have the energy to return your phone calls or go out to lunch with you, or even go out for a drive, or when they don’t even put forth the effort to maintain the relationship. Even true can give up, especially when faced with a master of isolating, such as myself, which is why I don’t harbor any blame or resentment toward the I’ve lost.

Currently, I have no active real-life friends. Sure, I still have a few people from my youth that I talk to about twice a year who call themselves my friends, but in reality they have slipped into the valley of acquaintances.

I have several online friends, but it just isn’t the same. The majority of my friends are from yahoo messenger or fubar. It’s safer that way. When someone gets too close or hurts me there is an ignore function.

I wish it was possible to force myself to maintain friendships and other relationships, but it just isn’t when I’m depressed. My depressions can last months at a time. Then when I come out of the episode and try to reconnect with the people I care about it is never the same as it was and things become more and more strained until we are mere acquaintances.

I’ve been somewhat unsuccessful in healing several former important relationships. How do you explain you didn’t turn your back on them because of something they did or didn’t do? No one buys the ‘it-was-me-not-you’ line. I yearn for the closeness I had with friends like Felicia, , Adrian, Chuy, Gato, Crow, and others.

Finding new friends is an equally daunting task. I’m shy by nature and very quiet until I am very comfortable with someone. Also, how many people are eager to befriend someone with a mental illness? I could omit the fact that I’m bipolar until the foundation for a solid friendship or relationship is laid, but that seems dishonest; lies by omission are still lies.

Where does someone my age meet new people to be friends with?

On this day..