I’m trying to learn how to recognize when I’m having a episode, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I usually realize it after it’s too late and damage has been done, which is what happened with this last episode. I thought I was getting better and having . I was having threesomes, foursomes, on web cam, and going to a club. I was also three guys simultaneously and having sex with all of them (separately) and I was having cybersex with .

I wasn’t just having fun. In actuality, I was disrespecting myself and promiscuity is not a quality I want to be known for. I was thinking about when I began this round of manic sexcapades. It was about two weeks after and I broke up. That was around the middle of June; six months of wild, unrestrained sex. However, I was smart about it and used condoms.

The closest (and least derogatory) term associated with my behavior is ‘brazen hussy’. If I were a male I would be called a Womanizer, therefore instead of calling myself a hussy I will claim the word Manizer, which is a woman who likes many men and has short sexual relationships with them; seeing them as sex objects and nothing more. I want to see men as more than that and the only way I can accomplish it is by slowing things down and stop hopping into bed with someone before I care about them.

I stopped acting out sexually 5 weeks ago when I stopped seeing and Patrick. and I agreed to stop seeing each other. He thought he was becoming a sex addict and decided to be abstinent for awhile. At first, I thought he was being ridiculous, but as I thought more and more about it, I realized I had a problem as well. In turn, decided to abstain from sex indefinitely. After that decision, I stopped seeing Patrick as well. Stephen, is in the armed forces and had been in training for a few months, so I didn’t have to tell him anything. However, he is returning for Christmas and I will have to tell him about my decision.

I’m not disappointed in myself, I’m just surprised at my behavior. When I’m not having an manic or mixed episode I am very well controlled (in fact, some say too controlled) and prudelike. There’s no middle ground for me or others who have bipolar disorder. We tend to go from one extreme to the other. The challenge is figuring out who I would be if I didn’t have this brain disease; as well as trying to hold fast and true to that ‘normal’ part of myself.

In an effort to satisfy my own longings, I have inadvertently hurt people (I am bisexual) and brought distress to my life and relationships. I was overcompensating for and attempting to deny repressed personal issues and hang-ups. It blinded me to the consequences. Seeking instant sexual gratification did not bring any satisfaction except orgasm. I think it was more of a mask to cover past hurt, , , secrets, rejection and abandonment. I will have to come to terms with that before I enter a new relationship, sexual or otherwise.

On this day..