Dec

30

Recap of 2007

Filed Under Events, Flashbacks, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Injury, Sexcapades, Suicide, Thoughts | 2 Comments

This year has been one of the worst years of my life, but I survived. It was a rough year for my family and my friends as well. We are all looking forward to kissing 2007 goodbye and bringing in 2008 with hope. I won’t say that 2008 cannot be any worse than this year because I have learned the hard way that things can ALWAYS get worse. I will say that I am hopeful that it will be a great year. I will do my best to bring that hope to fruition.

The following is a list of things that happened, good and bad. Other things happened this year as well, but these are the most significant:

Self-injury session went too far and I had to get 27 stitches (New Year’s Day)

I stopped self-injuring for 6 months and then had several relapses

I had a breakdown at work.

I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal urges

I began the long journey to recovery

I started this blog

Tori almost died by suicide

I allowed myself to start crying

I cried four times

My brother left the Aryan Brotherhood

My mom lost her job and I had to support her

My mom’s car was stolen on my birthday

Some of my special belongings were ruined on my birthday due to a roof leak

Erick and I forgave each other face to face so to speak

Erick and I became online friends with benefits

Erick got divorced

Nick and I reconciled

Nick and I broke up

Nick went to prison

Jonathan stalked me

A friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was given less than a year to live

The ice storm from hell almost destroyed my house and hometown

My brother got to meet our niece for the first time

I had more episodes than I can remember

I had to take off work for several months due to the episodes

I filed a complaint against Directv for discrimination

I won the right to sue Directv from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission

I added 11 notches to my bedpost and revisited sexcapades with several former lovers

Tyler and his girlfriend was ran over twice and killed

My uncle was almost sent to prison

I became a member of a private sex club

I had my first foursome

J.R got married

J.R got an annulment

Dena let her kids meet their half-brother/2nd cousin

Dena forgave her cousin for getting pregnant by her husband

Jess went wild after leaving Gerald

Tori started having threesomes

Carah had 2 miscarriages

Carah is pregnant again

McKayla started walking, cutting teeth, and talking

McKayla had her first birthday

Jess got busted by the police having sex in her car

Joe got out of rehab

Ally almost died from a drug overdose

Felicia was diagnosed as bipolar

I learned a lot about myself and began addressing major issues from my life

I almost allowed myself to fall in love again

I was off work for several months due to hospitalization and a ton of therapy and groups

Whew! That was a lot of shit!

Dec

27

Jeff is a Prick

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After all that bullshit the fucker was feeding me last night, he stood me up. He didn’t even have the common courtesy to call and cancel. I’m so pissed off at him I could spit nails. Fucking asshole. I’ve so had it with him. I don’t need his shit. I deserve better. He’s never getting a taste of me again.

So FUCK YOU, JEFF! Or better yet, don’t fuck you.

Dec

27

Jeff Contacted me

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Well, I guess I thought about Jeff yesterday for a reason. He messaged me on yahoo a little before midnight last night. He was telling me how much he’s missed me and that he thinks about me every day. I find the conversation funny as well as embarrassing, but I’ll still post it.

Conversation with Jeff

I have mixed feelings. Just a few hours ago I was talking about how good it was that we severed ties. Now that we’ve spoken again. I can’t help but to want to have sex with him. God, it was so GOOOOD. Stupid hormones. Well, I guess we’ll see what happens.

Dec

26

Breakup with Jeff

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Jeff and I ‘broke up’ a month ago tomorrow and I caught myself thinking about him a couple times today. I’m not angry with him any longer, but I am still disappointed in him. I’m disappointed with myself as well. I let myself start to care for him simply because we were so sexually compatible and it was so easy for me to confide in him.

I didn’t know a whole lot about him as a person, but what I know about I liked – for the most part. He is sweet, funny, attentive, intelligent, sensitive, cute, caring, and fabulous in bed.

I didn’t like how he flip-flopped all the time. To be honest, I think he may be bipolar as well. He can be very inconsiderate, thoughtless, dishonest, selfish, and fake.

I am well aware that no one is perfect. However, some flaws cannot be tolerated. It isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s just nature. The flaws I cannot tolerate may not be all that bad in the opinion of others, but they are things that I cannot stand.

I am an honest person and I absolutely will not tolerate dishonesty. I have been lied to by so many people whom have been an important part of my life; hurtful lies that sliced right through my heart. That hurt left me cold, cynical, and distant. I had to protect myself somehow. After all, if you don’t let them get close, they can’t hurt you.

It is for the best that Jeff and I sever all ties. At least until we get our heads straight and I get over the fact that I seen him suck another man’s cock and then fuck that man’s wife while we were at the sex club. That was just a bit too much to handle.

Dec

26

Sex and Mania (Updated)

Filed Under Guys, Relationships, Sexcapades, Thoughts | 2 Comments

I’m trying to learn how to recognize when I’m having a manic episode, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I usually realize it after it’s too late and damage has been done, which is what happened with this last episode. I thought I was getting better and having fun. I was having threesomes, foursomes, sex on web cam, and going to a sex club. I was also dating three guys simultaneously and having sex with all of them (separately) and I was having cybersex with Erick.

I wasn’t just having fun. In actuality, I was disrespecting myself and promiscuity is not a quality I want to be known for. I was thinking about when I began this round of manic sexcapades. It was about two weeks after Nick and I broke up. That was around the middle of June; six months of wild, unrestrained sex. However, I was smart about it and used condoms.

The closest (and least derogatory) term associated with my behavior is ‘brazen hussy’. If I were a male I would be called a Womanizer, therefore instead of calling myself a hussy I will claim the word Manizer, which is a woman who likes many men and has short sexual relationships with them; seeing them as sex objects and nothing more. I want to see men as more than that and the only way I can accomplish it is by slowing things down and stop hopping into bed with someone before I care about them.

I stopped acting out sexually 5 weeks ago when I stopped seeing Jeff and Patrick. Jeff and I agreed to stop seeing each other. He thought he was becoming a sex addict and decided to be abstinent for awhile. At first, I thought he was being ridiculous, but as I thought more and more about it, I realized I had a problem as well. In turn, decided to abstain from sex indefinitely. After that decision, I stopped seeing Patrick as well. Stephen, is in the armed forces and had been in training for a few months, so I didn’t have to tell him anything. However, he is returning for Christmas and I will have to tell him about my decision.

I’m not disappointed in myself, I’m just surprised at my behavior. When I’m not having an manic or mixed episode I am very well controlled (in fact, some say too controlled) and prudelike. There’s no middle ground for me or others who have bipolar disorder. We tend to go from one extreme to the other. The challenge is figuring out who I would be if I didn’t have this brain disease; as well as trying to hold fast and true to that ‘normal’ part of myself.

In an effort to satisfy my own longings, I have inadvertently hurt people (I am bisexual) and brought distress to my love life and relationships. I was overcompensating for and attempting to deny repressed personal issues and hang-ups. It blinded me to the consequences. Seeking instant sexual gratification did not bring any satisfaction except orgasm. I think it was more of a mask to cover past hurt, fear, guilt, secrets, rejection and abandonment. I will have to come to terms with that before I enter a new relationship, sexual or otherwise.