I have so much writing to catch up on; I don’t even know where to begin. So much has been happening lately. I’m confused, overwhelmed, ecstatic, exhausted, numb, scared, hopeful, and sad all at the same time.

I’ve forgotten to take my the past three days, until a few minutes ago. I feel like I’m teetering on the brink of something, but I don’t know what. I have all these different thoughts and bubbling within me and most of them conflict with each other.

My behavior over the past couple weeks has been taboo to say the least. I don’t feel guilty about it, in fact I would do it all again. The partying, sexcapades, …

It’s like I know I shouldn’t be doing these things, but I don’t care. I know getting and/or smoking pot doesn’t resolve anything, but it lets me relax, not one of the goddamned pills they shove at me can accomplish that feat.

Returning to in October fucked me up royally. I lasted about three weeks and I haven’t gone back in almost a month. I’ve been fighting with Met Life again about the short term disability. I’m so sick of dealing with those assholes, but I can’t right now.

I tried really hard, I just can’t do it. Admitting that I cannot do something is very hard for me. So I guess there is a little progress there, before I would have continued trying until I landed back in the hospital or a grave.

I’m not right now. Some may argue that I am perhaps a bit self-destructive, but whatever. I feel so fucked up right now. I need to go back to my therapist, but I can’t afford it right now. It’s a good thing the meds are free or I’d really be fucked.

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I listened to Three Days Grace – Riot and 4 Non Blondes – Whats Up while writing this post

On this day..