'we all go a little mad sometimes'
Things I Think About When I Can't Sleep
My heart hurts, like someone was squeezing, releasing, and squeezing it over and over again. clawing, squeezing. ripping. it almost feels like I can’t breathe. Then for a couple of minutes, I can’t feel anything except a huge lump in my throat and an elephant on my chest. I open myself wide open for just anyone to come and make a cruel comment that cuts right through my heart and makes me want to hurt myself by any means available.
No relief or relaxation. Stand at attention at all times. On guard. No matter what you can’t let your guard down. If you fuck up and let it down you will pay. You will pay in ways you never thought of in your worst nightmare; no exaggeration.
A man you thought would protect you from harm was harming you, as was others. These people were touching you in such a way you felt like you were nothing but a dirty whore who needed to be punished and denied the right to die. the worst thing you could think of at that time; that is what happened to you.
Either no one would believe you, they didn’t comprehend the signals you were sending, or they just didn’t give a fuck. Those are the possibilities. Which one is the true scenario?
On this day..
- Less Stress, More Peace - 2009
I miss mania and hypomania […]
Hello. I have been quite engrossed in reading your blogs. You are a gifted writer and honestly I'm a little jealous.
But more seriously. I am in an interesting relationship with a woman who is also the mother of my two little girls. She was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder while a teen and some of her bahaviors are indicative of a return. She has avoided medications for years and our relationship was quite rocky with many highs and lows. I have made my own mistakes in the relationship and apologized and I think she has had some closure. But something keeps happening. I feel like I keep hitting a wall with her. At times she is talkative and kind of loopy. At other times she is so tired and just wants to sleep. She also will have highly sexual periods which (thankfully) she shares with me. Those periods cool off and then days later they will heat up. She is one day very chatty and fun and then at other times pushes me away. I want to understand her, but I am totally confused by the actions. She suffered sexual abuse as a child and had very hard teenage years living on the streets and in and out of group homes. I love her dearly and want to resume our family. I need to understand her. If she is suffering from manic/depressive episodes how can I approach her in a way that she will not be offended? Running away from her and just chalking up the relationship is not an option for me as we have kids and I am sick in love with her. How can I broach the subject. Any help or advice you could give would be much appreciated. Thanks. John.