My heart hurts, like someone was squeezing, releasing, and squeezing it over and over again. clawing, squeezing. ripping. it almost feels like I can’t breathe. Then for a couple of minutes, I can’t feel anything except a huge lump in my throat and an elephant on my chest. I open myself wide open for just anyone to come and make a cruel comment that cuts right through my heart and makes me want to hurt myself by any means available.

No relief or relaxation. Stand at attention at all times. On guard. No matter what you can’t let your guard down. If you fuck up and let it down you will pay. You will pay in ways you never thought of in your worst nightmare; no exaggeration.

A man you thought would protect you from harm was harming you, as was others. These people were touching you in such a way you felt like you were nothing but a dirty whore who needed to be punished and denied the right to die. the worst thing you could think of at that time; that is what happened to you.

Either no one would believe you, they didn’t comprehend the signals you were sending, or they just didn’t give a fuck. Those are the possibilities. Which one is the true scenario?

I have so much writing to catch up on; I don’t even know where to begin. So much has been happening lately. I’m confused, overwhelmed, ecstatic, exhausted, numb, scared, hopeful, and sad all at the same time.

I’ve forgotten to take my meds the past three days, until a few minutes ago. I feel like I’m teetering on the brink of something, but I don’t know what. I have all these different thoughts and feelings bubbling within me and most of them conflict with each other.

My behavior over the past couple weeks has been taboo to say the least. I don’t feel guilty about it, in fact I would do it all again. The partying, sexcapades, bloodletting…

I’ve just been writing about random shit and reposting articles for the past few months. Why? One word: Erick. The person who I had considered the love of my life was reading my innermost thoughts and secrets.

I was uncomfortable and more than a little embarrassed which made me reluctant to write. I felt that way because he discovered shameful things that happened in my past that I never told him about. I was also embarrassed because he learned how I really felt.

I see thick blue lines under my skin pulsing; silently pleading to be stuck. Blood within me bursting with need to escape.

I’m hurting and I don’t know what to do. A person that sexually abused me on and off for eleven years was texting my roomie earlier. I was getting drunk and having a good time with her; that is until she showed me a text from that person. She doesn’t know he used to do those things to me. I’ve only told four people in my entire life the identity of this person because he is a blood relative. I was deeply in love with two of them¹. The other two people were my sister and Tori.

The text message my roomie showed me read, “tell her to take a picture of her tits and send them to my phone.” When I read that, I was transported back to the garage where he used to rape me. Laying there, helpless, unable to scream or fight back. Paralyzed by shame and guilt.

How can one statement ruin ten months worth of hard work?!?

Tara,

I think about you every single day and have for the past 15 years. Does our father even remember what today is? I know I do, I’ll never forget it. 11 years ago today your life was stolen. I miss you so much. I regret that we didn’t have a chance to do the things that sister’s do. I’m so mad at your mother for keeping us apart. I’m afraid that you had no idea how much I loved you. I wish I could take your place.

I know that isn’t possible, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing it was. I will always love and miss  you. I still mourn you. I wish I knew more about your life. Was you happy? Did you ever fall in love? There are so many questions I have, but they will never be answered.

The question that I keep coming back to is why did you have to die? It’s so unfair.

why doesn’t my father love me? i’m his child and he never cared to get to know me. what does that say about me?

what did i do? why was i born? why do i have to live? why couldn’t my mother have aborted me instead of her first child?

i shouldn’t have been allowed to live. i don’t want my life. i wish someone would just take it from me. please. i can’t take it myself because then others may blame themselves and i don’t want that. it’s no one else’s fault; just my own and i don’t want anyone else to possibly blame themselves.

why does my father’s lack of love for me effect me so much? why does his opinion matter to me? why do i feel so unworthy?

my sister, tara, is the lucky one. this month is the anniversary of her death. i want so much to have been able to be a part of her life. i wish i could trade places with her.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now. My new boss just called to find out when I’m coming back to work. I was stoned, so I told him the truth. I hope I didn’t sound too much like a bitch. I just told him like it is. I’m still not ready yet. They overwhelmed me. If that is what they wanted to accomplish, they succeeded, but I’m not going to go without a fight. I regret my decision to not file a lawsuit against them. I feel like they were punishing/retaliating against me for filing the complaint with the EEOC. I’m seriously considering contacting the EEOC again. I wish I had recorded the conversation.

My Sacrifice by Creed came on while I was talking to Peter and it made me think of Erick. I asked myself, “why do I still feel so damned drawn to him?” We tried a relationship before and the timing was all off. I was about to blow the thought off, then Gone Forever came on. After that, Let Go by RED, Pain by Three Days Grace, and Predictable by Good Charlotte came on and kept me thinking about him. Hmmm, should I read anything into those particular songs playing in a row? Coincidence or small, yet meaningful signs?