I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness. About a month ago, my counselor asked me if I have considered forgiving those who have sexually abused me. I’m sure I looked at her as if she was smoking crack.

I thought, ‘forgive them?!? Pfft. Why the fuck would I want to do that? She must be the crazy one.’

She could tell I wasn’t ready to think about doing that quite yet. She added, ‘It’s not something you have to do this minute, just think about it. Whom are you hurting by having all this and bitterness toward those men? You’re not hurting them. They probably don’t even think about what they did. Those are holding you down just like invisible shackles.’


I knew I was only hurting myself by holding on to all those negative feelings, but I wasn’t quite ready to let them go yet. I equated forgiveness with excusing what they did and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that. I felt like they ruined my life. In truth, they ruined my childhood and most of my teenage years; they robbed me of my innocence.I was the only one who felt the repercussions of their actions. I pushed people away, especially men, for years. Doing whatever it took to isolate myself from emotion.

I had no idea how to let it go of all that deep-seated rage, animosity, and revulsion. I’ve been carrying it around for over 22 years. I had it pent it up for about twelve of those years; torturing, blaming, and hating myself for what was happening; wishing for to take me or them.

I remember wanting to kill my then stepfather when I was six years old – after the first time he raped me. I had watched ‘The Burning Bed’ with my mom and I wanted to do that to . I think the only thing that kept me from was the fact that they had a waterbed. I also thought that I would go to , so that was another deterrent. If I knew then what I know now I probably would have done it.

I had told my mom I wanted to kill Larry. She didn’t know how to react. Years later she told me that she wished I had killed him.

That is enough flashbacks for tonight; I’m tired.

I realized that forgiveness is a change of attitude and I had to find a way to change it if I want to heal those old wounds. I don’t want to carry the burden of acrimony any longer; it just isn’t worth it anymore.

From now on, I will try not to allow old resentments to drag me down. I am trying building a stable and loving life and I have to let go of all that pain.

‘Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.’
– Mary McLeod Bethune