After reading the article in my previous post, I asked myself, ‘How has bipolar disorder affected my relationships as a whole?’ I didn’t come up with a definitive answer, but I think I found a good starting point.

During my depressive , I isolate myself from everyone or I lash out at them. I push them all away because I want to be alone so I can wallow in my misery. In addition, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems or . I’m afraid they will think less of me as a person and then they will reject me.

By pushing them away first I control the situation; at the very least I feel like I control it. I subconsciously manipulate them into leaving me. If they try to stick around (as was doing), I take my thoughts and behavior deeper and deeper into irrationality until they run off. Eventually, I always push them away, but that is hardly a victory.

When a episode hits I cajole the people I have pushed away. I draw them back into my life by being the person they cared about – before I got scared and pushed them out of my life. It happens repeatedly; it’s a vicious cycle and it will never end unless I put a stop to it. I have to break that cycle finally, as I finally broke the cycle of and me.

Albert Einstein said, ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’ I don’t want to be ‘insane’ any longer. I want to allow myself happiness and I am learning how; slowly, but surely.

I have to challenge my irrational thinking before I let it affect my behavior. I have to communicate with people, even when I’m afraid of the truth. My own perceptions about what someone is thinking or feeling is often a lot worse than what they are actually thinking or feeling. I have to set and stick to them. I can’t let people continue violating the limits I deserve to have. I deserve them. I’m so glad that is finally becoming ingrained into my thought processes.