Archive for September 5, 2007

A Life for Deciding

4 years ago
in ,

A Life for Deciding

In people with chronic
or terminal diseases,
one talks about the
quality of life.

Everything is done
by doctors, ,
friends, the people themselves,
for as high as possible a
quality of life.

Battle lines are drawn
with pain and suffering,
with weakness and exhaustion,
and hundred of other ills
that plauge one’s
quality of life.

But what can be done
with a chronic, possibly terminal
illness, when the enemy constantly
changes, and what beats back pain
one day, another day may destroy one’s
quality of life?

Where does one call truce
in the battle with the mind,
forever tweaking medicines
to improve the
quality of life?

When does one settle
for a shell of a former “you,”
and stop striving to improve the
quality of life?

I raise the white flag
of surrender.
I am so tired…

by Catherine Courry

Diagnoses

4 years ago
in

In late December 2005 my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder type 1 – it was after a suicide attempt that my sister interrupted.

Bipolar disorder type one means that I have full-blown and major depressive episodes. Rapid cyclers have at least four episodes a year. Average cyclers have one or two episodes a year. I’m an ultra-rapid cycler, which means I have several episodes and they change frequently. My moods can shift several times a day, but my intense episodes last between a few weeks and several months.
I also have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic Disorder.

Whew! That’s a mouthful!

I refused to admit I had Bipolar Disorder for a long time, partly because the surrounding mental illnesses. I was deeply ashamed that I couldn’t “fix it” on my own. . I had hoped like hell that it would skip me, but both of my parents have BD; there was like a 75%-ish chance I would have it; damn the luck!

Anyway, I’m no longer in denial. I admitted I have some problems that I couldn’t handle alone anymore. While I was getting stitches for some self-inflicted wounds, a psych nurse in the E.R. made me think about what I was doing and where my chosen path was leading. I knew if I didn’t get help I would be dead before the end of this year.

To keep from having a ‘nervous breakdown’ I checked myself into a behavioral center in January ’07. I had gotten to the point where I was seriously injuring myself physically and engaging in very risky behavior – hoping to die.

I still have depressive episodes, but I haven’t been suicidal (at least with intent to carry it out) since my . I’ve been making a lot of progress and each day I become healthier and more stable. There are setbacks now and then, but I’m learning better ways to cope with them instead of cutting or .

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