What is ECT?

ECT is a form of electrical stimulation of the brain that has been in use since the 1930s. It is also known as electroshock therapy. A psychiatrist, an anesthesiologist, and other supportive medical personnel supervise the treatment. The person being treated is anesthetized. In bilateral ECT, electrodes are placed on the scalp above each temple. In unilateral ECT, the electrodes are placed above the temple on one side of the brain and in the middle of the forehead. An electrical current is then passed through the brain, inducing a grand mal seizure similar to that experienced in epilepsy. Clinically effective seizures generally last from about 30 seconds to just over a minute. The body does not convulse, and the person being treated feels no pain. Some persons may experience headache, nausea, confusion and muscle stiffness upon awakening. A typical course of ECT treatment requires six to 12 treatments over a period of less than a month. To sustain the response to ECT, continuation treatment, often including medication, should be provided when the ECT course has been completed.

Tainted with Myself

Yes, I feel tainted with myself.

I will depart, not of this world
but, from the agony of myself
Pull away, confess delusions
Surrender to Hell

Drugs and Labels

I get up in the morning
A couple of pills are due.
Hmmm, let me see now…
2 yellow, 1 pink, 1 blue.

I keep them In a little box,
That doles them out each day.
It further subdivides the meds,
I take them right, that way.

After reading the article in my previous post, I asked myself, ‘How has bipolar disorder affected my relationships as a whole?’ I didn’t come up with a definitive answer, but I think it is a good start.

During my depressive episodes, I isolate myself from everyone or I lash out at them. I push them all away because I want to be alone so I can wallow in my misery. In addition, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems or feelings. I’m afraid they will think less of me as a person and then they will reject me.

By pushing them away first I control the situation; at the very least I feel like I control it. I subconsciously manipulate them into leaving me. If they try to stick around (as Nick was doing), I take my thoughts and behavior deeper and deeper into irrationality until they run off. Eventually, I always push them away, but that is hardly a victory.

The key thing to remember is that the relationships have been damaged by the effects of your illness. It is not YOU and it is not your fault. These things happen, then we deal with them and move on. Today I’ll show you how to move on.

1. It takes time-repairing a damaged relationship takes time. You have to commit yourself to doing what it takes to get the relationship back on track. If you experience resistance at first, be patient but tenacious. Make the person know you are committed to doing what it takes to move your relationship back to a healthy level.

2. Encourage the person the share his/her feelings with you-this can be a painful part of the process. Sometimes during the highs of mania we say and do things that are just plain outrageous and sometimes we don’t even remember doing them. Depression can pull us away from those that are closest to us. Really listen to their concerns.

Madness gripping my Mind;
Reality fading in and out;
Sanity gradually slipping away;
Woeful and tortured plight.

I’ve fought for years,
I’m losing ground.
I’m so tired -
One last fight -

-Victory- or -Death-
That is the point
Where I find myself–
Tonight.

Stop.
Stand still for a minute and look deep within.

See.
Envision yourself in your mind’s eye.
When you have a firm visual memory -

Observe.
Play through a normal day, week, month, and year –
What happens?
Watch how you behave.

Contemplate.
What was it like?
Was stability present?
Was your behavior consistent?
Did your personality fluctuate?

Feel.
Pay attention to how you felt.

Imagine.
Your mood is unpredictable.
Your behavior is erratic.
Your personality is fluid.
No control.

Feel.
How do you feel?
How do others treat you?
How do you treat yourself?

Act.
Do you recognize that the problem is within?
Do you put on a mask and try to hide?
Do you get help or does shame prevent you?
Do you duck from the stones?

Pushing away everyone that loves you
Drawing up within yourself so tight you can never unwind.
Doing dangerous things without concern about the consequences.

Watching what is happening -
Nevertheless, unable to control it.

Unable to be stable.
Constantly teetering
On the edge
Trying to hold on.

That is how it feels to have a mood disorder.

The findings, made as part of the largest study into the genetics of common diseases, also offers hope to depression and schizophrenia sufferers.

The Cardiff University scientists analyzed DNA from thousands of people, including actor and writer Stephen Fry.

Previously known as manic depression, bipolar sufferers are at a greatly increased risk of committing suicide.

“This should be a time of great optimism for those individuals and families that have experienced illnesses like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and depression.” - Professor Nick Craddock

The team, from the university’s School of Medicine, discovered that there are many genes which put an individual at greater risk of bipolar disorder.

Each gene on its own makes a relatively small contribution to the overall risk.

The results are said to shed light on the biological systems behind bipolar disorder, which affects about 100m people worldwide.

Today was a busy day. I got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and started calling non-profit organizations because I didn’t want to have to finish my community service at the YMCA. After leaving over 13 messages, I got a call back from Community Action Project. I start there tomorrow and it’s clerical work… my forte.

After I spoke with the executive director of CAP, I had to go see my probation officer to get the pre-approval since CAP isn’t on their list. My probation officer’s supervisor was bitching at me for not having more of my hours in, so I copped an attitude right back at her. I’m not going to kiss anyone’s ass, I don’t give a shit who they are or who they think they are. That bitch isn’t anything to me. She’s just on a power trip.

Jeff just left. He came to pick up his belt. He ‘forgot’ it the other day when he was here. Desire burns in his eyes when he looks at me. He looks as me as if I am the sexiest woman in the world. I love it; it makes me feel incredible, beautiful, and sexy. I’m not afraid to be myself with him. I feel like I’ve known him for years.

Usually, I am somewhat self-conscious in bed¹ because I can’t stop thinking about how imperfect my body is - with its excess fat and bright pink scars leftover from self-injury. However, it barely crosses my mind when I’m with him.

As soon as he got here, he kissed me deeply and said, ‘Hey beautiful, I’ve missed you. How have you been?’ He acted as if it had been a few weeks, instead of a few days, since we last saw each other.

WARNING: It gets graphic from here.