Jordan1 commented on this post.
He said,

Jason is one of the best people i know and if you were really bipolar then you wouldn’t be able to stay that calm during that conversation in fact you would have been so mad you would have forgot most of that conversation so if i was you i would quit faking it cause no ones buying it


After deciphering your butchery of the English language I pondered your asinine allegations. Now I get to quash them.

First off, you shouldn’t assume things you have no possible way of knowing. When you posted that comment, you probably thought you were really sticking it to me. In reality, all you accomplished was making an ass out of yourself and showing your ignorance. You did it very well, by the way.

Second, I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder in late December 2005. I didn’t meet Jason until January 2007 – that fact alone should be enough to debunk your absurd accusations.

Third, feigning an illness like bipolar disorder is impossible to do on a long-term basis. Come on, if I had been ‘faking’, I would have been caught a long time ago. Perhaps your ridiculous allegations could hold water if I had only seen one mental professional.

However, I have been treated by three standard medical doctors in addition to at least seven psychiatrists, eight therapists, four counselors, two case managers, four psychiatric nurses, and six psych techs – all of whom have saw the same medical chart. Each one of them is a highly trained professional. How on Earth could I possibly fool 34+ experts?

Beside that, what would be my motivation for faking bipolar disorder? Why in hell would I want to pretend to have an illness that is so stigmatized in our society many of its victims are too ashamed to get help? In fact, one in five Americans with bipolar disorder commits suicide because the associated with -.

Moreover, I have to take a minimum of FOURTEEN pills per day to maintain sanity and stability. ECT (Electroshock therapy) is the next step in my treatment. Why would I put myself through that if it weren’t necessary? It’s laughable you would suggest such a thing.

You said, ‘if you were really bipolar then you wouldn’t be able to stay that calm during that conversation in fact you would have been so mad you would have forgot most of that conversation.’

Apparently, you don’t know much about bipolar disorder. I get the impression you are referring to someone with an uncontrollable temper and a bad memory. I was frustrated, hurt, confused, and overwhelmed, but I was not angry. Had I been angry I probably would have gotten violent. The chemical imbalance that causes Bipolar Disorder does not negatively affect our intelligence and we are quite capable of remembering events, especially traumatic ones.

Details of a traumatic event are burnt into your memory. You re-live all the sights, sounds, and even the smells. It feels as if you are outside yourself watching what is happening; trying to convince yourself that it isn’t real. Those vivid memories usually turn into nightmares so terrible you avoid sleep because you can’t take another night of them.

Of course, I still remember that eventful evening. It was quite harrowing. Jason made it clear that I had to choose between my job and my health. He told me directly that if I took off I would lose my job.

I remember being so overwhelmed I couldn’t breathe – my lungs tightened and my throat closed. My chest burned – my heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to explode. My blood pressure rose so high that I had an instant headache and felt dizzy; my body was so hot I could almost feel flames. The world was spinning and I couldn’t grab hold of anything. Then the tears flowed tsunami-style.

Panic attacks of that magnitude cannot be faked.

Jason saw the panic attack first hand. At that point, he knew something was seriously wrong. He took me to an office in an attempt to calm me down. Then he took me to Mr. Johnson’s office a short while later. I was far from calm when I spoke to Mr. Johnson. Actually, by then, I was so upset I couldn’t even speak more than one-syllable words.

All I could think about was driving into a telephone pole or going home and slashing my wrists. I felt utterly hopeless. I thought suicide was the only feasible option I had left.

I needed professional help; Jason Niblack knew it and Paris Johnson knew it. Mr. Johnson at least had the compassion to have me call the mental health hotline sponsored by our insurance carrier. He knew I was having a psychiatric emergency and he told me he would see what he could do on my behalf.

There was a seven-hour difference between seeing Mr. Johnson and sending that email to him. I had plenty of time to remember details; the night was very fresh in my mind.

When I wrote that email to Mr. Johnson, I was calm and I meant for it to be a thank you letter, nothing more. I did not have an agenda to get Jason in trouble or fired. I didn’t say Jason is a bad person or anything else like that. I only described the events and verbal exchanges that took place. All I wanted was time off work to seek the treatment I desperately needed.

On this day..


  1. jordan_the_great_1986@yahoo.com [↩]