I had a nightmare this morning about . 1 I do not remember all the details, but I remember seeing him and a whole lot of blood.

I was trapped inside his house like a cub in a bear trap. Every door I opened led to a funhouse-esque slide and there was blood everywhere. It was pouring out of me in every direction. I could not get out of his house; I felt absolute terror. That is all I remember.

I know I had that dream because he dropped by my house a few days ago. I had hoped that he did not know where I lived. He was part of the reason I moved. Unfortunately, he knows where I live. I cannot help but wonder if he walking down my street the day I moved in this house was a coincidence or not.

I do not know what to do about the situation. There is always the legal route, but he is the violent type and I think that would just make matters worse.

During the dream, one of my roommates touched the middle of my back to wake me up for an appointment. I was lying on my stomach and I was in a dead sleep when she touched me. I flinched hardcore; she damned near scared the shit out of me. I almost jumped out of my skin.
I do not know if my reaction was a result of the dream or if it was because PTSD 2. Most of the sexual I endured began while I was sleeping. I know PTSD is a huge factor in my chronic insomnia. It is also the reason I have a hard time letting a lover sleep in the same bed as I do. I can usually only allow that if he is someone I am very comfortable with and/or and makes me feel safe, or if I am slobbering and pass out…

My counselor calls my reaction to being touched unexpectedly hyper-vigilant – you think?!? I do not think it is abnormal considering the circumstances; it makes perfect sense to me. Usually, my involuntary flinches irritate me because most often they are triggered by someone I care about – who does not understand why I flinch when they touch me. It is hard to bring up a subject like that, so I usually cover by acting as if they just startled me because I did not hear them.

After the discussion about my hyper-vigilant behavior with my counselor, I realized something I have been subconsciously using a protection device: I have many Mardi gras necklaces and I have put them on the back of my bedroom doorknob for years. Anytime someone opens the door, the beads bang against it. Usually, it wakes me up. I never understood until then the reason I felt compelled to put them there. I used them as an unobtrusive door alarm.I used to feel guilty about it when and I were together. He liked to get frisky if he woke up in the middle of the night. He would start touching me, even if I were asleep. I came unglued the first few times. He did not understand why. After the third time it happened I told him I was sexually abused.

I did not go into detail and thankfully, he did not push the matter. From then on, he woke me up first and if I were up to it (which I always was), we would have .

One of his fantasies was to wake up to me riding him, but I could never bring myself to do that. I felt it was a violation – even thought he gave me explicit permission several times.

Another time I was scared awake was when a friend (with benefits) showed up while I was sleeping. My roommate let him in and he went to my bedroom. I was sound asleep; lying on my stomach. He laid on me and started kissing the back of my neck. I woke up fighting. He had to shout, ‘Jen, its ! I’m not trying to hurt you!’ a few times before I realized he was not another abuser.

My counselor has been trying to get me to realize that I am an adult now and I am not that helpless child anymore and that I can protect myself. Logically, I know she’s right, but deep inside, I still feel like that terrified child who did not understand what she had done to invite the sexual advances of grown men and older cousins. I was so ashamed and guilty.

I still carry the and around daily – like irons around my ankles. After seven months of intensive and counseling, I am starting to let go of that shame, , and resentment. I still have a long way to go, however. I am looking forward to the day when I set free myself from those shackles.


  1. ex-lover who intimidates me and is stalker-ish. Related post. [↩]
  2. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder [↩]