Over the past two months or so, without in my life, things have stablized and I’ve been happy-ish. I haven’t had the slightest urge to self-injure since I cut him out of my life.

I’ve been having , great , and making progress in recovery since I ended things with him. His life on the other hand has pretty much fallen apart since we broke up (according to him).

I miss his friendship somewhat, but I’m perfectly fine without him in my life. In fact, I think I’m a lot better without him. I’m not saying everything was his fault, but he had a very negative effect on me, intentional or not – the end result is the same. I had started cutting again because he was killing me emotionally. Again, I’m not saying he “made” me do it because he didn’t. Cutting was my reaction to the emotions that were stirred up by his actions or lack thereof.

I didn’t like who I was before Nick and I hooked up, but I hated the person I had become while we were together. He brought out some of my worst traits.

I understand now that he was as fucked up as I was, just in a different way. We were too unhealthy emotionally to make a relationship with each other.

I definitely wouldn’t say I’m the epitome of emotional , but I am making progress and that’s what is important. I’m taking pride in my successes, no matter how little they may seem.

I stopped thinking that everything had to happen overnight. That I-want-it-now mindset was very detrimental to my self-esteem. Once I understood that baby steps are better in the long run I have been a lot happier and it’s getting easier to think I’m worth something.

I haven’t been bashing myself for not being perfect, which is another important step. Without those impossibly high expectations I had placed on myself I was able to decompress, which in turn cleared my head.

Before you know it baby steps add up to giant leaps.

I felt empowered by calling it quits with Nick, instead of waiting and pushing until he finally gave up and left me.

Now I’m trying to rebuild something with someone that brought out the best in me (until a mixed episode from hell struck). Nevertheless, it’s been four years and I think I’m finally getting back on track.

I went off-roads there for awhile, but the important thing is that I’ve found my way. Granted it would have been a lot easier with a map, but life doesn’t come with one. Even if it did, I probably wouldn’t have paid attention to it. I typically have to learn lessons the hard way.

I’ve made a lot of progress since I was in the hospital. I’ve made a lot in the past month. I didn’t really realize it until Charlotte My counselor/case manager pointed it out in group a few days ago.

For once my first thought wasn’t that she was full of shit (I always thought that when someone complimented me in the past.) I thought about what she said and I knew it was true.

I’m pleased with myself. :)

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Listening to: Green Day – American Idiot