Archive for July 30, 2007

Obloquy of a Cutter

4 years ago
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Cutting is my most destructive addiction. I started myself when I was twelve – after my first suicide attempt. It wasn’t a behavior. In fact, self-injuring was my coping mechanism for life. It’s what kept me from killing myself. Granted it wasn’t a constructive or healthy method, but it worked. Until December 2005 I hadn’t cut since high school.

I’m not quite certain what caused me to start doing it again in the first place. There are several possibilities: maybe it was the need to release pent-up emotions (rage, , , hatred, , ); maybe I wanted to punish myself; maybe I felt I deserved it; maybe it helped me regain control; maybe it distracted me from all the emotional pain; maybe I used my blood as a substitute for tears. It was probably a combination of all those things.

Regardless of why I did it, the need consumed me until it drowned out everything else and all I could think of was seeing my blood running down a drain, filling a pickle jar, or soaking a towel. It was so hypnotic and relaxing and beautiful.

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Family Reunion 7-29-07

4 years ago
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My uncle Don has been visiting since Friday. He drove up from San Antonio with his boyfriend, , and their dog, Heidi. He moved back down there a couple years ago. Since he’s in town my grandparents decided to have a get-together. The entire (from my grandparents down) was there, except Jeff’s kids from his first marriage, and my brother, . couldn’t be there because he’s currently incarcerated. Jo-Jo and Lexi couldn’t be there because their mom hasn’t let Jeff see them since he got remarried.

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