I took a Valium mom gave me and smoked a bowl with and . I feel a little better. The pain is still inside, but it is far enough away that I don’t feel like my insides are being ripped apart.

I have a little peace – mission accomplished – exactly what I hoped for. Now I understand how people can allow themselves to get addicted to drugs. All that pain, , , anxiety, and misery are silenced, even if only for a little while and I can finally fucking relax.

You do whatever you have to do in order to survive whether it is checking into a hospital, cutting, , getting , smoking pot, shooting up, binge eating, snorting coke, watching tv – doing whatever it takes to escape the pain long enough to let your will to live kick in.

If the only way I can survive is by drowning myself in men, shopping, food, jager, or my own blood then why do I even want to survive? What kind of life is that?

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Listening to: Dope – Jenny’s Cryin’