“Courage is resistance to , mastery of — not absence of .” – Mark Twain

Some of the things you read here may sound irrational, but I can’t help it. It’s nothing against you personally, it’s just how I feel. Please, read the whole thing before you pass judgment. Opening up and being completely honest may push you way even more, but I can’t hold this in any longer or I’m going to pop. Keep in mind, nothing I say here is meant to hurt you or cause you to feel negatively in any way.

It seems like you have been pulling away from me the past two weeks. Things haven’t been the same since the day after I relapsed and told you that I was scared because I was starting to care about you.

I wish it was just a coincidence and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems more than that to me. I know I acted up big time during and after the concert last night. I hate the way I feel and think right now, I don’t know if my fears are based on intuition, imagination, paranoia or to a certain extent, all of the above.

I’m going through a lot, and it’s really hard to talk about. I know I haven’t been myself the past two weeks either and I’m sorry. I’m mixed up right now and I’ve been lashing out at you. I know I’ve been bitchy, jealous and insecure – please, don’t take that personally either. That is part of the reason I didn’t want to know about anyone else you are – because I knew I was beginning a episode. They start off great, but they end up more painful than most depressive episodes.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, trying to analyze my thoughts and behavior. I don’t want to lose you. I enjoy our friendship/relationship and our time together. There is a war going on inside of me and I need you to give me some time to get things sorted out.