I got some good dick last night and it wasn’t ’s little pecker. In the past, I would have felt like I cheated and a part of me still does I think. However, and I are officially non-exclusive so I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sexual with other men. Therefore, I refuse to feel guilty for getting my needs met.

I’m sick of feeling undesirable. If Nick doesn’t want me sexually, that’s his loss. I’m tired of waiting for him to be ready. I’ve never had a problem finding lovers. There are lots of men that will be more than happy to pick up his slack.

The past two months my drive wasn’t what it used to be, so it didn’t really bother me that he wanted us to wait. However, it has been coming back full force and I can’t be patient with him any longer. I know he is hung up on his small dick and I’ve tried to reassure him that doesn’t matter to me, I just need to feel desired by him.

I’ve used sex for years and I have no problem separating sex/fucking from emotion. The problem begins for me when emotion is supposed to go hand in hand with sex – intimacy. I’m really bad at intimacy. In fact, intimacy scares the hell out of me. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so petrified of it and so far I’ve concluded that intimacy scares me because I equate it with desexpendency. I still have a lot of to do.

Anyway, I digressed.

The guy I had sex with was someone I met back in December. I had never had sex with him before. His name is Stephen. He’s attractive and great in bed. He’s not a selfish lover, which is extremely important to me. The effort is what counts, not the outcome. Don’t get me wrong, I orgasms as much as the next woman, but they aren’t required – as long as the man really cares about my pleasure as well. Nevertheless, Stephen is also a determined lover and he made sure I got off before he did. I will definitely call on him in the future to fulfill my sexual needs.

I’m not just using Stephen. We have a mutual agreement. I made sure he knew I was Nick, but Nick wasn’t taking care of my sexual needs. Stephen knows I just want to be fuckbuddies or friends with benefits at most.

He kept changing positions and put me in a few I didn’t even know I could get into. It was a welcomed change from “missionary-only ”. I discovered a new favorite position. :D I was on my side, with my legs open. He was behind me, on his knees. The angle he was at gave him deep penetration, but also left his hands free to stimulate my clit and my ass. Holy hell, that position got me off faster than oral sex usually does.

He left a hickey. At first, I was a little irritated, but after talking it over with my roommate I got over it. The past two weekends when Nick came over he had a hickey. When I asked him about it he said that was her way of trying to seduce him, but it didn’t work. He swore that he isn’t having sex with Heather. I don’t know if I should believe him or not, it seems like all that comes out of his mouth anymore is lies.

Anyway, I decided that he needed a good dose of his own medicine and my hickey would be perfect in that regard. I hate playing games and it pisses me off that it has come down to this bullshit, but it has. Fire with fire, right?

On this day..