Since I’m bipolar many of my qualities contradict each other.
One of the main reasons my romantic relationships have been disastrous is because the relationship I had with my biological father.
I’m co-dependent. I learned if from my mother and I’m trying to unlearn it.
I often allow myself to be dictated to in romantic relationships.
I didn’t know him very well. He was in and out of prison my entire childhood and adolescence. We had a blowout and I haven’t spoken to him since I was 18. When he was in my life he expected me to act a certain way & and tried to control every aspect of my life. He was an extremely controlling and violent man. He beat my mother when they were together. He killed her once, but she was revived. Eventually, he rejected me. Since then most of my important romantic relationships were somewhat paternalistic; I loved unconditionally but I the love was only returned under certain conditions. I would do my best to meet those conditions, but eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and the relationship would end in rejection. I yearn for approval & validation. I’ve identified the problem now I need to figure out how to deal with it, I’m certain it’s a big part of why I have been unable to maintain a stable relationship. I seek out pain, physical & emotional. On a very deep level I feel that I’m unworthy of love & deserve punishment – it makes me feel alive. To hear it spoken sounds ridiculous, everyone deserves love, but it’s how I feel. I use my weight as a defense mechanism. I use food for comfort & as a weapon. When I lost 100lbs, I felt like I lost myself & it changed how everyone treated me.I have had a lot of bad experiences: I was physically, emotionally, verbally, & sexually abused as a child; brutally raped when I was 17; I had to be the mother when I was the child, etc. I still have issues, but without these experiences I would not be the person I am today (for better or worse).
I’m a survivor – not a victim.
I change myself to what I think people want me to be, so I am a different person than my grandparents & a lot of my other family & friends know. I want to go somewhere where I can totally be myself & not care about what everyone else expects me to be.
Qualities that never change:
I’m stubborn, honest, perceptive, loving, sweet, moody, spiteful, indifferent, sarcastic, self-centered, generous, over-analytical, nosy, hypersensitive, vengeful, faithful, secretive, quiet, open-minded, outgoing once comfortable, shy, indecisive, defensive, persuasive, intelligent, organized, observant, good natured, fun-loving, easy going, skeptical, romantic, sensual, eccentric, ordinary, realistic, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, responsible, affectionate, hardworking, loyal, overprotective, impulsive, spontaneous, proud, determined, strong-willed, blunt, trustworthy, cynical, perceptive and probably 100+ other adjectives.
Qualities that vary according to mood:
subservient, domineering, mature, childish, strong, weak, lazy, insecure, predictable, optimistic.
dishonest, unfaithful, two-faced, superficial, shallow, petty, shameless, confident, insensitive, greedy, cold-hearted, manipulative, conniving, conceited, egotistical, or self-righteous.
Some of my Personality Contradictions:
I dwell on the past and move on at the same time.
It’s hard for me to let go of the familiar, yet I’m almost always in unfamiliar territory.
I’m independent but I’m dependent on others for my happiness.
I’m strategic and logical, but my actions are often illogical.
I have lots of issues with men and yet some of the best friends in my life have been men.
On this day..
- Valentine's Day - 2008
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.