I said, “No! But, that’s why I do. I’m scared because I’m starting to give a shit about you. I relapsed last night.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m not running away.” Then his mom called to let him know she was waiting outside. He told me that he’d call me in a couple hours. I didn’t really expect him to call me.

He text messaged me about 45 minutes later and said that he was drinking alone. When I asked him why, he told me that Mark and the guys decided to go out to the bar instead of hang out at Mark’s house. He also told me that he didn’t have the to go out so he stayed at his ’s.

A part of me wanted to believe him, but I knew deep down he was lying. I knew that Jennifer had kept her plans to go to the cookout even though she didn’t hear from him. I still didn’t confront him because I was ashamed of the way I had found proof of his lies.

I ignored it instead and just made bullshit small talk. Afterwards, I bloodlet again.

I was so hurt and angry, but I didn’t know how to express it without exploding on him so I exploded on myself instead.

I want to kick my own ass, but that isn’t plausible. Besides, I would most likely enjoy the pain. I punished myself a little though. I bloodlet and cut earlier this evening.

Why do I have to make myself bleed? Do I do in order to feel something or to distract myself from feeling? How do I let myself experience emotions again – or better yet how do I start showing some emotion?

Why do I feel ashamed for having ?

I feel myself slipping down the mountain. How do I gather the strength to stop? I have this overwhelming urge to run away – leave this place and start over somewhere else. If I don’t get away, I’m afraid of what may happen.

I try so hard to control these outrageous and irrational behaviors, but I can’t keep them at bay forever. Sometimes, I want to give in and let it be over – let go – what would that do? Who would I become?

On this day..