I am so pissed off at myself. I relapsed last night.

I got and then I cut and bloodlet for the first time since New Year’s Eve.

I tried rationalizing it in my head before, during and after, but once I woke up and remembered what I had done I wanted to punish myself again. Do I want to keep doing it… keep it a deep secret again?

Cutting does hurt physically (sort of), but it numbs out the other pain. I can’t take that other pain anymore. I tried being a good girl and I was able to pretend I was for six months, but I’m exhausted and have to shut myself down to recover a little bit.

I know I should stop, but it felt so incredible. Sure, it didn’t solve anything, but it made me feel better.

I was so drunk last night a lot of my truest thoughts and came bubbling to the surface – I couldn’t deny them anymore.

I’m sick of my job, my house, my life, and . I keep trying to push him away – I want him to leave me alone to self-destruct. I want him to get away because I can’t bear for him to discover the monster I am.

I want to up and leave… get away from everyone I’ve ever known. I don’t want them to see the true me. I can’t pretend anymore. I’m just too exhausted.

They would all be so disappointed in me. I’m suck a fuckup. I just want to fucking die already.

On this day..