Archive for June, 2007

Why I Relapsed (Part 3)

4 years ago
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I was right. It was another woman texting him. Her name was Jennifer and he had briefly mentioned her a couple days prior. She had said that she was leaving to go to the cookout at 3 and he needed to be there by then. I deleted the message and turned his phone to silent. I recalled that on Friday he was getting several text messages and he kept saying they were from his brother. At the time, I didn’t care because I was having a text conversation with . ( was asking me if we could start seriously .)
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Why I Relapsed (Part 2)

4 years ago
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Then another part of me spoke up, “Stupid bitch, look what you’ve done now. You’ve ruined it. All that hard is lost. You’re a hopeless, good-for-nothing bitch. No wonder no one loves you. How could they? You make it impossible. I can’t even you. Just look at yourself!”
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Why I Relapsed (Part 1)

4 years ago
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I was in horrible funk all day yesterday. I am ashamed of myself because I bloodlet again today, and I let jealousy get the best of me. I may have successfully ruined my relationship with . It’s coincidental actually – we broke up June 11th last year.
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Relapse

4 years ago
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I am so pissed off at myself. I relapsed last night.

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I Can't Slow Down

4 years ago
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The entire month of May was nothing if not an extreme roller coaster. I was up then down, then high high up then drop to the ultimate low, then right back up to high or higher. There have been seldom moments of stability in my mood and thought processes.

I pile it on and on and on and on until I crack from the pressure – the crack then splinters off and I break soon afterward. After I finally break, I sweep the pieces I can find into a pile and begin rebuilding myself. I make fast progress – my hallmark – thanks to perfectionism, but it’s merely an illusion. The cracks are barely visible, but they are there just the same – I pile it on and on and on and soon the cycle repeats.

I keep trying to will myself better. I KNOW I must get back to . I’m supposed to be in about eight hours, but I’ve already called in.

I have the nagging thought that I need to suck it up and go back to work tomorrow, but when I think about going back to work and to my team lead I get this gut-wrenching feeling deep inside. It feels like someone is crushing and clawing inside me and pushing and ripping at the same time. I can’t get enough air. I can hear my heart beating and it feels like it is about to explode, and for a minute or two I wish that it would so it would finally just be over so I can have some peace.

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