The entire month of May was nothing if not an extreme roller coaster. I was up then down, then high high up then drop to the ultimate low, then right back up to high or higher. There have been seldom moments of stability in my mood and thought processes.

I pile it on and on and on and on until I crack from the pressure – the crack then splinters off and I break soon afterward. After I finally break, I sweep the pieces I can find into a pile and begin rebuilding myself. I make fast progress – my hallmark – thanks to perfectionism, but it’s merely an illusion. The cracks are barely visible, but they are there just the same – I pile it on and on and on and soon the cycle repeats.

I keep trying to will myself better. I KNOW I must get back to . I’m supposed to be in about eight hours, but I’ve already called in.

I have the nagging thought that I need to suck it up and go back to work tomorrow, but when I think about going back to work and to my team lead I get this gut-wrenching feeling deep inside. It feels like someone is crushing and clawing inside me and pushing and ripping at the same time. I can’t get enough air. I can hear my heart beating and it feels like it is about to explode, and for a minute or two I wish that it would so it would finally just be over so I can have some peace.

I really am trying my damnest to get better. My boss and his boss are the most conspicuous hindrance to my progress and by far the worst trigger to my symptoms. To me, it seems like my boss gets off on getting to me. I think my team leader hates me and wants to make me miserable. I think he enjoys it. I am certain that he intended to trigger my anxiety and subsequent panic attacks. Nonetheless, I’m so ashamed of myself for not going back to work yet. I know how much of a disappointment I am. Why can’t I just suck it in, bottle it up, and go on performing my duties? I’d rather be a robot than a basketcase.

Right now, there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head:

  • Stop letting yourself be controlled by this heartless and merciless monster. Kill it! But the monster is just as much a part of me as I am it.
  • What am I?
  • Who am I?
  • Why am I?
  • When will all the pain, drama, anxiety, , and insanity go away? I know I will never be completely free of those things, but when will they at least drop to a manageable level – where I can get out of bed, shower, get dressed, go to work, do my job well, and come home – all in peace?
  • I want to be perfect: be the best, do my job, live, make a difference and stop this agonizing anxiety.
  • I don’t need food or much sleep – too much to do. I wish my roommates would hurry up and get up so I can get back in there and clean more.
  • I’m not usually one for self-pity, but damn, what did I do to deserve my life? What do I have to do to be content and stable?
  • I was doomed from conception – the bi-product of two bipolar people in lust. The father: a sadistic, cruel, and abusive alcoholic/addict wife-beater turned murderer. The mother: a selfish and delusional drug-addicted whore.
  • Nature vs. Nurture – well, I’ve established nature fucked me and nurture sure as hell didn’t do any better.

My body is so exhausted. I have only slept 4.5 hours since May 30th, but my mind is SO awake. Dreadfully, painfully awake – awake and aware of the mess I’ve made – trying to gather the strength to rebuild again, but the strength is gone. I don’t have the heart to do it again because I already know the result – extremely temporary normalcy followed by well-hidden instability, then BOOM, it rears it’s ugly head for the world again – repeating cycle, ad nauseam.

I can’t sleep because there is so much that needs to be done. I have to be doing something. It’s almost 5am so I can’t clean and organize the house again. That’s why I’m writing.

For more than eleven hours yesterday I organized and rearranged drawers, closets, cabinets, files, etc then I would decide I didn’t like the changes and would take everything out and start all over again. I did it until I literally passed on on the floor around 2:30 this afternoon. I woke up at 3:24 and have been going non-stop since. My eyes keep shutting, but my mind refuses to taper. I can’t just sit here anymore I have to DO something.