I said, “No! But, that’s why I do. I’m scared because I’m starting to give a shit about you. I relapsed last night.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m not running away.” Then his mom called to let him know she was waiting outside. He told me that he’d call me in a couple hours. I didn’t really expect him to call me.

He text messaged me about 45 minutes later and said that he was drinking alone. When I asked him why, he told me that Mark and the guys decided to go out to the bar instead of hang out at Mark’s house. He also told me that he didn’t have the money to go out so he stayed at his Mom’s.

A part of me wanted to believe him, but I knew deep down he was lying. I knew that Jennifer had kept her plans to go to the cookout even though she didn’t hear from him. I still didn’t confront him because I was ashamed of the way I had found proof of his lies.

I ignored it instead and just made bullshit small talk. Afterwards, I bloodlet again.

I was so hurt and angry, but I didn’t know how to express it without exploding on him so I exploded on myself instead.

I want to kick my own ass, but that isn’t plausible. Besides, I would most likely enjoy the pain. I punished myself a little though. I bloodlet and cut earlier this evening.

Why do I have to make myself bleed? Do I do in order to feel something or to distract myself from feeling? How do I let myself experience emotions again - or better yet how do I start showing some emotion?

Why do I feel ashamed for having feelings?

I feel myself slipping down the mountain. How do I gather the strength to stop? I have this overwhelming urge to run away - leave this place and start over somewhere else. If I don’t get away, I’m afraid of what may happen.

I try so hard to control these outrageous and irrational behaviors, but I can’t keep them at bay forever. Sometimes, I want to give in and let it be over - let go - what would that do? Who would I become?

He replied, “I can’t. I’m supposed to hang out with Mark tonight.” He hadn’t mentioned that before.

I said, “Can I come with you?” I didn’t really want to go, but I wanted to see if he would come up with an excuse why I couldn’t go or not.

He said, “it’s supposed to be a boys’ night.” After that, he sent a text message that said he just woke up and that he’d be over there in a little while. He said he sent the text to Mark, but I looked at the phone number and it was Jennifer’s so I knew without a doubt he was lying his ass off and I got angry.

I was right. It was another woman texting him. Her name was Jennifer and he had briefly mentioned her a couple days prior. She had said that she was leaving to go to the cookout at 3 and he needed to be there by then. I deleted the message and turned his phone to silent. I recalled that on Friday he was getting several text messages and he kept saying they were from his brother. At the time, I didn’t care because I was having a text conversation with Noah. (Noah was asking me if we could start seriously dating.)

Then another part of me spoke up, “Stupid bitch, look what you’ve done now. You’ve ruined it. All that hard work is lost. You’re a hopeless, good-for-nothing bitch. No wonder no one loves you. How could they? You make it impossible. I can’t even love you. Just look at yourself!”

I was in horrible funk all day yesterday. I am ashamed of myself because I bloodlet again today, and I let jealousy get the best of me. I may have successfully ruined my relationship with Nick. It’s coincidental actually - we broke up June 11th last year.