On the way home from a shopping spree with one of my roommates, I was stopped by a cop. We were less than a mile from our house.

I saw the cop when I was at the top of the hill; long before he pulled me over. I had hastily put my seatbelt on before I got close enough for him to see that I didn’t have one on and I looked at my speedometer to make sure I wasn’t speeding.

The speed limit was 30mph and I was going 33mph so I tapped the brake. We passed by him and less than 30 seconds later he was behind my Explorer, sirens blaring, and lights flashing.

This song touches me.

Nick called me yesterday afternoon to see if it was okay for him and his dad to come over for lunch. I let them. It was the perfect opportunity for him to see the hickey.

I wanted to show Nick that he isn’t my world and that I can easily replace him. I don’t need his bullshit and I sure as hell don’t have to put up with it.

I got some good dick last night and it wasn’t Nick’s little pecker. In the past, I would have felt like I cheated and a part of me still does I think. However, Nick and I are officially non-exclusive so I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sexual with other men. Therefore, I refuse to feel guilty for getting my needs met.

I’m sick of feeling undesirable. If Nick doesn’t want me sexually, that’s his loss. I’m tired of waiting for him to be ready. I’ve never had a problem finding lovers. There are lots of men that will be more than happy to pick up his slack.

The past two months my sex drive wasn’t what it used to be, so it didn’t really bother me that he wanted us to wait. However, it has been coming back full force and I can’t be patient with him any longer. I know he is hung up on his small dick and I’ve tried to reassure him that doesn’t matter to me, I just need to feel desired by him.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” - Mark Twain

Some of the things you read here may sound irrational, but I can’t help it. It’s nothing against you personally, it’s just how I feel. Please, read the whole thing before you pass judgment. Opening up and being completely honest may push you way even more, but I can’t hold this in any longer or I’m going to pop. Keep in mind, nothing I say here is meant to hurt you or cause you to feel negatively in any way.

It seems like you have been pulling away from me the past two weeks. Things haven’t been the same since the day after I relapsed and told you that I was scared because I was starting to care about you.

I took a Valium mom gave me and smoked a bowl with Mom and Tori. I feel a little better. The pain is still inside, but it is far enough away that I don’t feel like my insides are being ripped apart.

I have a little peace - mission accomplished - exactly what I hoped for. Now I understand how people can allow themselves to get addicted to drugs. All that pain, fear, anger, anxiety, and misery are silenced, even if only for a little while and I can finally fucking relax.

Nick and I barely talked Sunday and we didn’t talk at all Monday. I was certain I had successfully ran him off, but he started text messaging me yesterday. We flirted for awhile and then he wanted us to spend time together so I picked him up after he got off work. We ended up going to the bar with Joe.

About ten minutes after we arrived some guy I had never met bought me a few jager bombs. I was there with Nick, but why turn down free drinks? That guy had to have seen me walk in with Nick, but he didn’t care. After three or four drinks he started acting like I was there with him instead of Nick.

I said, “No! But, that’s why I do. I’m scared because I’m starting to give a shit about you. I relapsed last night.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m not running away.” Then his mom called to let him know she was waiting outside. He told me that he’d call me in a couple hours. I didn’t really expect him to call me.

He text messaged me about 45 minutes later and said that he was drinking alone. When I asked him why, he told me that Mark and the guys decided to go out to the bar instead of hang out at Mark’s house. He also told me that he didn’t have the money to go out so he stayed at his Mom’s.

A part of me wanted to believe him, but I knew deep down he was lying. I knew that Jennifer had kept her plans to go to the cookout even though she didn’t hear from him. I still didn’t confront him because I was ashamed of the way I had found proof of his lies.

I ignored it instead and just made bullshit small talk. Afterwards, I bloodlet again.

I was so hurt and angry, but I didn’t know how to express it without exploding on him so I exploded on myself instead.

I want to kick my own ass, but that isn’t plausible. Besides, I would most likely enjoy the pain. I punished myself a little though. I bloodlet and cut earlier this evening.

Why do I have to make myself bleed? Do I do in order to feel something or to distract myself from feeling? How do I let myself experience emotions again - or better yet how do I start showing some emotion?

Why do I feel ashamed for having feelings?

I feel myself slipping down the mountain. How do I gather the strength to stop? I have this overwhelming urge to run away - leave this place and start over somewhere else. If I don’t get away, I’m afraid of what may happen.

I try so hard to control these outrageous and irrational behaviors, but I can’t keep them at bay forever. Sometimes, I want to give in and let it be over - let go - what would that do? Who would I become?

He replied, “I can’t. I’m supposed to hang out with Mark tonight.” He hadn’t mentioned that before.

I said, “Can I come with you?” I didn’t really want to go, but I wanted to see if he would come up with an excuse why I couldn’t go or not.

He said, “it’s supposed to be a boys’ night.” After that, he sent a text message that said he just woke up and that he’d be over there in a little while. He said he sent the text to Mark, but I looked at the phone number and it was Jennifer’s so I knew without a doubt he was lying his ass off and I got angry.