I was going through some old clothes earlier. I was trying them on so I could decide what to keep and what to donate. There were several pairs of shorts and jeans that I haven’t fit into in a couple years that fit me now. I have very mixed emotions about losing .

Part of me was ecstatic because they are really cute clothes, but another part of me was freaking out because I’m losing pounds and inches. even mentioned that I’m losing weight. Men don’t usually notice that sort of thing.

A couple months ago I had gone to a doctor to get diet pills. I only took them for a month because I changed my mind about trying to lose weight.

It’s easy to use my weight as a wall against people, especially since many people are superficial (to a certain degree) and can’t see past someone’s appearance, to keep them from getting too close to me. It’s a protective layer that I am struggling to let go of. I have been a big woman for a long time and it has defined me for years. I don’t know who I am without the fat chick label. Losing weight makes me feel like I’m losing myself.

I keep telling myself that it’s okay to be attractive, I am an adult now and I can protect myself from in a more assertive way instead of trying to repel everyone away with my weight. I have to find a way to separate my weight from my emotional issues and I have to figure out who I am without using physical characteristics to define myself.

I am trying to change the core belief that everyone wants to hurt me. It’s a daily struggle. I keep finding myself wanting to compulsively eat to keep the weight from coming off – especially because Nick and I are getting closer and closer to each other. It’s absurd for me to think my weight will run him off, he truly likes me the way I am, which is even scarier to me.

On one hand I want to lose weight and let myself be pretty. I want to stop trying to make myself unattractive. On the other hand, I am so afraid to let go of my fat rolls. What would I hide behind without them?

On this day..