Nick will make a girlfriend out of me yet. Or at least he is going to try until I succeed in fucking our relationship up.

I went with my mom to visit my little brother, David, in prison yesterday. I miss him so much, but it hurts me to see him. He was only seventeen when he got locked up for being an accessory to robbery. He’s almost 22 now and I feel like I barely even know him anymore. Seeing him in prison is very painful. I feel so much regret for him. I also feel a lot of guilt over the crime he committed because he partly did it to help me. Granted, I didn’t ask him to help rob the store, but he tried to help me the only way he could think of at the time.

I was really concerned about him awhile back because he got his patch (gang tattoo) from the U.A.B (United Aryan Brotherhood). I didn’t like it, but I understood why he joined them. A kid his age needs all the protection he can get in a shit-hole like that. Now, ironically, I’m glad he joined them. They kept him from being killed. I’m really worried about that now because

This thing with Nick is making me squirm inside. Our relationship has been going unusually well and it’s scary as hell. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. The anxiety keeps my muscles tense and knotted up, especially when we are laying in bed together. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I want to start giving my heart to him.

I haven’t really risked my heart in four years. I’ve just been using men for sex and letting them use me any way they wished. I pretend that a happy, stable, loving, and lasting relationship is the last thing I want, but the truth of the matter is I want it more than anything. I need it. I NEED - why does that make me feel so wrong?

Tonight was the ICP concert. I went with Nick, Tori, Jeff, Carah, and Dudney. It started out fun, but I ended up pissed off at Nick. He’s still in the doghouse actually.

I decided to go ahead and pursue the charge of discrimination I filed against my job.

I initially reported the discrimination January 23, 2007. They requested a written statement after I got out of the hospital. I faxed it to them February 27, 2007 but did not hear anything back until late March or early April (I can’t really remember). A federal investigator had contacted me and wanted to pursue my case. He sent me sworn affadavits to sign and wanted all the evidence I could provide.

I was struggling with the choice because things have changed at my job the past few weeks. My team leader has completely changed his attitude toward me. Another reason I was questioning my decision was because Directv did clear my record of the attendance occurrences I incurred while I was in the hospital. However, their recent actions and behavior does not excuse the initial repugnant treatment.

I was going through some old clothes earlier. I was trying them on so I could decide what to keep and what to donate. There were several pairs of shorts and jeans that I haven’t fit into in a couple years that fit me now. I have very mixed emotions about losing weight.

Earlier, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about some things. The appointment I had with Charlotte (new counselor) earlier today really got me thinking about my recovery and how it should be number one in my life right now. I’ve been slipping the past two months. I stopped going to see my therapist. Before I stopped going, I was seeing my therapist once or twice a week and a counselor once a week. I haven’t seen him since March. I saw a counselor twice in April. I was supposed to go to at least two groups a week, but I haven’t been to a group since right after I was discharged from Brookhaven.

It’s official, I’m 28 years old now. My birthday blew goat balls.

I woke up at 7am because I heard McKayla and McKenzie playing. Jess brought them over for Mom to babysit. I got up and went to the living room because I wanted to play with them for a little while. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and saw a cop parked right outside the house. I asked Mom what was going on and she said that someone stole her car from the driveway.

I was like WTF? Mom’s car was parked by the garage, Randy’s truck was behind it, and my explorer was behind his truck. My car would have been easier to steal, but (luckily) I have an alarm. I would have been on the warpath if my car had been stolen (especially on my birthday.)

Slideshow of all of my snakes. They’re cute

Tomorrow is my birthday. I can’t believe I’ll be 28 already. The past seven years have flown by.

The last 25 years have been one helluva rollercoaster. I guess that’s one of the things I have to deal with since I’m bipolar. Oh well, I can’t say my life has been boring, even when I wished it was. It is finally starting to level out though and I feel more in control of my life now than I ever did in the past. Let’s hope it stays that way.

I’m not sure what I’m doing on my birthday, but Saturday Dudney and Tori are throwing me a party. Hopefully we’ll have the pool and grill set up by then.