I had to have her committed to a state psychiatric hospital about four years ago because she was so strung out and paranoid she became a danger to herself and everyone she came into contact with. She thought that the government had implanted a camera in her eye and a microphone in her ear. She thought everyone was plotting to kill her. She thought the north star was a helicopter the government was using to follow her. She heard voices telling her things like (my sister) was kidnapped and burnt alive – she had even convinced herself that she smelled ’ flesh and hair burning.

I was living with my sister and grandparents at the time all of that was happening. My grandpa wanted to help her, so he made her come stay with us. Grandpa supervised her all day. He had gone to bed, but she was still awake (she still had a lot of dope in her system and she hadn’t been to sleep in a few days). I was awake as well because I was usually up really late at night, talking to online. That particular night, Granny actually fell asleep early (she’s usually a night owl, like me), so I was the only one awake besides my mother.

After a little while I noticed her pacing the hallway with nine knives, a can of hairspray, a lighter, and a hammer. I asked what she was doing and she told me that we were being held hostage and that the house was surrounded. She said she was going to protect us. I knew she had completely lost it and it freaked me out. I didn’t really know what to do or say. She sat on my bed which was directly behind my computer and office chair. I turned my cam on so I could watch her and make sure she didn’t decide to use one of her weapons on me. I was worried she would turn on me because a couple weeks before that she thought I was one of the people plotting to kill her.

When she went to the bathroom, I went into the living room and woke Granny up (she had fallen asleep in her chair) and told her what was happening. She woke up and he stayed up the rest of the night with mom. The next day he decided he and granny would stay up with her in shifts since she wasn’t sleeping.

Later that night, Granny dozed off and called the police and told them Grandpa was holding her against her will. Granny woke up and took the phone from her and told them mom was delusional. Apparently, they didn’t believe her because they sent cops. When they knocked on the door Pawpa tried to explain what was happening, but they wanted to talk to mom. She started telling them about the government following her and all of that. They told her she could come with them and she’d be safe… she didn’t realize they were taking her to the hospital.

The hospital released her a couple days later with the diagnosis of “bipolar 1 with auditory hallucinations” (the rarest form of bipolar disorder). They had given her . Pawpa brought her back out to the house with the rest of us. She was still flipping out and we knew we couldn’t handle her and that she needed professional help. I’m considered the next of kin, so the nominated me to file the paperwork to have her involuntarily committed.

I didn’t want to commit her, but I knew it had to be done and the family was pressuring me to do it. I went downtown and filed the paperwork. All of us had to fill out statements concerning why we thought she needed to be committed. Everyone gave their statements to me and I took them to the hearing. They were all supposed to go to the hearing with me, but none of them showed up. The only people in the courtroom was mom, the judge, the bailiff and me.

Mom kept looking at me with this look on her face that broke my heart. She thought I was doing it to get back at her and that I hated her. Since I was the only one that showed up she was convinced her commitment was all my doing. The judge sided with me (if you call it that) and said mom would be held in the hospital until her doctors felt she was stable. When the judge announced her decision, Mom looked at me with an intense look of hatred.

I didn’t let it show, but I was very hurt. I felt this huge sense of and I knew she thought I betrayed her. To this day, I still feel a lot of for committing her. I know she needed the help and she knows it too, but knowing it doesn’t change how I feel. For the first three years after she was released I could barely look at her. I rarely even spoke to her. This past year, she has really put forth the effort to mend our relationship.

She has stopped using and she is taking her meds as directed. She hasn’t had any episodes that I know about in long time. The guilt is starting to subside, but a part of me will probably always blame myself for committing her against her will. She no longer puts men before her kids. I don’t even remember the last time she had a date. All her kids are grown up. is in prison, Jess is a mommy, and then there is me…

She lost her home a few months ago and asked me if she could move in with me when I moved. I got a house April 1st and she has been living with me since. Trust me, I’m far from happy with the arrangement, but I feel like I owe it to her. She did give birth to me after all. I hope I don’t end up regretting the decision to let her be one of my roommates.

On this day..