Yesterday’s post took a lot of energy. I relived the entire month of January for that entry. To my surprise, I cried a bit while writing it. Carrie, my old therapist at , would have thought it a breakthrough. She tried to get me to let myself cry, but I could not. I had forgotten how exhausting crying could be.

After I shed my tears, I was not ashamed over crying as I usually am. I did not feel weak. I felt pain and relief at the same time. It hurt like hell to think about some of those things again, but I was relieved because I pulled through it and because I am not in that dark place any longer. I never want to go back there.

After I finally finished (I had to keep taking breaks) writing it, I was still a bit upset. I did not want to be alone. It was after 2am, but I text messaged anyway. I did not want to call in case he was asleep. I needed someone to lean on and for the first time in years I allowed myself to reach out and ask for what I needed… another breakthrough.

I told him I needed to be held and less than five minutes later, he was on his way to my apartment. He is a good friend and he truly cares about me. He compliments me all the time and he is sincere – he does not just say what he thinks I want to hear so he can get me in bed again.

When he arrived, he immediately took me in his arms and held me close. It felt amazing to be in his arms. About ten minutes later, we went to the couch. He wanted to know what had been bothering me. We confide in each other. He knows about my issues and I am able to talk about them with him without feeling or judgment.

He pulled me close and put his arm around me. I was not ready to go to sleep yet so we watched “Prozac Nation” – fitting, right? He held me during the entire movie. After it was over, I wanted to go to bed and I asked him to stay. We went to my room and got in bed. I had no intention of having with him. I did not want to lead him on.

I turned on my side with my back to him. He snuggled up close and started spooning. He was caressing my arms and back and I enjoyed it until I felt his hard on poking me. I was not in the mood for sex, I just wanted to be comforted. I tried to fall asleep. I dozed a bit and he was still caressing me. Awhile later, I woke up to him playing with my breasts. I did not tell him, but it reminded me of the sexual I endured when I was younger.

I laid there as I did back then and pretended I was asleep, hoping he would stop. He did not and soon my body became aroused – he is skillful. I pretended to wake up and he told me he would stop if I wanted him to, I guess he could sense my reluctance. I am still trying to re-program myself and I am far from finished. I still felt obligated to have sex with him – besides, I knew my body would enjoy it. Therefore, I gave in.

It did not take long for me to come around. He thoroughly pleasured me. Afterwards, he held me and we talked for a while. Then we had sex again. Then we talked more. About an hour later, he went home and I got some sleep.

He is a great person and I am astounded that he is interested in me. I have mixed emotions about him and it makes me want to kick myself in the ass. My mind wants him and my body reacts strongly to his touch, but my heart is not really in it. What does it take for my mind and heart to agree? I desperately want to want him. I do not know what to do. He deserves someone that can him completely and I am not sure if I am capable of it.

I can tell he is starting to fall for me (only Goddess knows why) and I do not want him to feel hurt. I wish I could make my heart open up to him. If I give myself time maybe I can fall in love with him, or maybe I am fooling myself. I need to have a talk with him, he deserves the truth about how I feel.