I’ve been ignoring my blog again. I had my reasons, which I will explain later.

Almost three weeks ago I talked to for the first time in about three years. At first my adrenaline was pumping like crazy and I didn’t really know what to say to him. After a few minutes it seemed like we hadn’t even stopped talking and it was a lot like the old days. We caught each other up on our lives. We ended up talking for about 2 hours. We talked about all sorts of things.

The most important thing (to me) that we discussed was some of the things we did to each other and then we talked about forgiveness. He was the person I harmed the most – I forced him to watch me attempt suicide and he couldn’t do anything about it. It was a pretty evil thing to do. He cried and pleaded until eventually I started vomiting the pills up. A few months later I posted nude pictures of him on my website and his band’s messageboard. I kept the and video on my website for over a year. I sincerely regretted what I had done to him and he forgave me. I felt like a huge was lifted off my shoulders.

One reason I was ignoring my blog was because I was studying my ass off for one of my classes. It was an 8 week class and I missed 6 weeks of it. So I had 400+ pages to read and 3 major exams to make up. I was worried as hell about failing the class. I prayed that I made at least a C… I found out a few days ago that I made 2 A’s and a B on the exams, so I ended up making an A. I was beyond thrilled. :D

Now I have to catch up in my algebra class… I’m a math-phobe.
The main reason I was ignoring my blog is because Erick confessed that he has been reading it.

I suspected that he had been reading it because I received a very compassionate offline message from someone whose screen name I didn’t recognize. At first I immediately thought it was him because the screen name was something he would have chosen. There was a lot of concern and compassion conveyed by the message and it seemed clear that it was someone that knew me and cared about my welfare. However, when I saw the profile I wasn’t sure if it was him or not.

Suspecting he was reading it and knowing without a doubt he was reading it are two completely different things. I was embarrassed because he said he pretty much read the entire thing… including his file. I started worrying about how many other people I know (in real life) had been reading it – it made me not want to update because this blog is so damned personal. It’s different when complete strangers read it.

I did put it on the internet for the world to see though – so I can’t be mad at him. Nevertheless, I wish he would have talked to me before he read it, but I know reading it is probably what made him message me in the first place.

Anyways, I’m over it now. I don’t care who reads it (except my grandparents) or who doesn’t. Other peoples’ opinions of me are getting less and less important. This blog is helping me immensely. When I’m writing I don’t really think about people actually reading it. I write just like I would if it was a journal I kept under lock and key.

On this day..