I found out Wednesday that wiped my record of the 33 attendance occurrences that I incurred while I was in . Six occurrences are grounds for termination. I’m satisfied now. I don’t loathe going to like I was because I don’t have to worry about being fired and escorted out anymore. I’m not sure what caused their sudden change. It could be one of two reasons: either they developed compassion overnight and decided to accept the medical proof I provided regarding my condition or they received the complaint I filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. I’m betting that the latter is the true reason.

Regardless of their reasoning, I’m just relieved that burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I am still extremely disappointed in how management treated me from January until this week. I am also still certain management discriminated against me and despite the fact that they finally did the right thing I cannot in good conscience let them get away with the blatant discrimination and grossly unjust treatment; if they did it to me, surely they will do it to others. By standing up for myself I am standing up for others that may suffer from discrimination in the workplace. We have to live with the consequences of our actions and no one is above that; including multi-billion dollar corporations.

Maybe I can make a difference and Directv will change some of their policies. Zero-tolerance is a ridiculous policy in most situations and this is one of them; everything in the world isn’t black and white – there are gray areas everywhere and they need to be considered.

I did not keep the fact that I am bipolar secret from my employer. My former team lead was aware of my illness, however, he did not see a reason to bring it to the attention of his superiors, perhaps he was aware of how I would be treated since he had been with the company so many years. A center-wide shift bid went into effect January 6, 2007 so I lost him as my team lead, which was very disappointing. He had treated me like an extremely valuable employee and I knew I would miss him as my supervisor.

I had been on my current supervisor’s team for less than a week when I told him about my illness. I could tell he was uncomfortable with it, but I never thought in this day and age he (or his superiors) would discriminate against me for it. Apparently, I had given Directv’s management team too much credit.

I missed work January 3, 2007 because my wounds (from New Year’s Eve) were infected and I was in so much pain I could barely walk. That day was the first time I called in since October – when I had a scare. They wrote me up for missing three consecutive days during the scare, despite medical proof I provided on my behalf. They acted as if I should be grateful they wrote me up instead of firing me. I thought it was unfair but I accepted it anyway because I couldn’t afford to lose my job. They even made me sign an agreement that my medical treatment would not interfere with my job.

They wrote me up for missing work on January 3rd. I thought they were being extremely unreasonable, especially since they knew I left the hospital against medical advice so I wouldn’t miss work. Another reason I thought it was unreasonable was because I stayed at work while having an allergic reaction to the tetanus shot despite medical advice to seek immediate treatment. I risked my and life for my job. I thought I had more than proven myself as a loyal employee and deserved a little compassion, but they ignored my plea.

After that last write up, my mental condition began to deteriorate as I slipped deeper and deeper into . A few days after I disclosed my diagnosis to my team leader my condition had worsened to the point that I was beginning to have ideations. The primary cause for the thoughts was the way I was being treated at work. I sensed my supervisor’s disdain for me despite my best efforts to earn his respect by doing my job well. I felt like I would never be promoted because the two write ups and because they knew I was bipolar. I worked really hard for them up to that point and I deserved the opportunity to move up. Knowing all my hard work had been in vain hit me hard.

I lost hope and the suicidal ideations became urges. The urges were getting harder and harder to ignore. My periods of lucidity were getting shorter and shorter. I started to feel like I was being pushed toward suicide; like my thoughts weren’t even my own.

During my mixed maniacal/depressive episodes I anguished over every detail and event in my life, significant or otherwise. I was haunted by my past. I thought I was the worst person in the world and didn’t deserve to live. I was convinced that if I killed myself I would be doing the world and all those I a huge favor. I believed my would be a blessing and somehow make their lives better.

When I was lucid I knew I needed professional help. I was afraid if life continued as it was I would succumb to the urges and I knew in my heart that my next attempt at suicide would be successful. The thought of missing my niece’s life was agonizing. The concept that was even more excruciating was believing without a doubt my would be so ashamed of me that any evidence of my existence would be locked away and the memory of me would be forever erased from their minds and hearts. I presumed wouldn’t ever know she had an aunt and how much I loved her, but I preferred the idea of being unknown or forgotten over being disparaged.

My condition continued to deteriorate and I decided I had to get help, so I called the short term disability company and filed a claim. Then I asked my team leader what I needed to do in order to get the time off work to seek inpatient treatment. He was unsure and promised to find out for me. It was several days later before he had an answer. He said that I had to have a definite time frame for the leave of absence and I would have to give at least 30 days notice.

I had no idea how long the hospital would keep me and I knew I couldn’t wait another month to seek help. He said if I didn’t wait and give them exact dates then I would lose my job. I told him I couldn’t wait that long and I needed the treatment. I asked him how he would feel in my place and he said he couldn’t answer that. He said that there would be no exceptions to the attendance policy because they are a business and rely on employees to be at work no matter what. The conversation went downhill from there.

I became so overwhelmed I started crying (an extreme rarity for me) and then I had a panic attack. I’ve written about the rest of this in other entries. A brief recap – I got so upset all I could think about was going home and slashing my wrists like I had slashed my thigh. I talked to a mental health nurse for 2 hours until I calmed down enough to finish my shift. I went home and suffered severe ups and downs all night and the next day.

The following day I called in to work and checked myself into the hospital; job be damned, I needed help. My team leader and his boss kept harassing me while I was in Brookhaven. I felt like they were pushing me to quit my job. Things got a lot worse, then they started getting better.

I am going to continue my recovery and I have made it my mission to change Directv’s policies so employees can get help without being discriminated against or threatened.

On this day..