Mar

29

A Buried Memory Returned to Haunt Me

Filed Under Events, Family & Friends, Flashbacks, Self-Injury | Leave a Comment

I’ve been feeling shitty since Friday. I didn’t mention it in my last post, but the real trigger for Saturday’s near-cutting crisis was seeing the man who raped me when I was seventeen. It made me feel like it had just happened all over again. I had no idea it would affect me like this… its been almost 11 years.

I had been raped prior to that countless times by my and another member. You would think I was accustomed to it by then - and I was, but only by those who habitually sexually abused me. Typically, the invasions began while I was sleeping. If I awoke during the violation I usually pretended I was asleep until it was over. It was easier to block it out if I thought of it as a bad dream. Sexual assault is always scathing, but the usual attacks I endured were non-violent and over fairly quickly; except my defloration - I was six years old. I won’t go into a lot of detail about the itself. It is still too upsetting for me. I don’t want to trigger a cutting session.

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