Mar

24

Stumbling blocks

Filed Under My Episodes, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 3 Comments

I’ve had a pretty rough week. I feel like I’m whining, but I have to have some kind of outlet for my . I thought my life was the hardest it could be before I went to . I hoped that after leaving the hospital everything would magically be okay. I wanted that to happen so badly. I thought if I made myself believe that everything would okay then it would be. Unfortunately, few things are as simple as we would like them to be.

The truth is that life was pretty simple when I was discharged. I had learned so much and I was so determined to get better. I thought I had finally learned how to fix myself and I didn’t even give a second thought to how life would really be. I thought I was making so much progress, but I’m not so sure now. I’m really confused.

There are very stressful things burdening me: I have 6 days to find a house, pack and move; I’m having financial difficulties due to the time I was off , among other things; and I haven’t even started doing the for my algebra class which ends in about five weeks.

About half an hour ago, I was lying in bed thinking about the things that are stressing me out. I was trying to find solutions, but there aren’t any simple ways to resolve my concerns, problems, or issues. I began getting discouraged because I let things get to this point. A short while later I started blaming, chastising, and berating myself - just like the good ol’ days. Before I knew it I had an urgent need to feel pain and see blood trickling down my legs. The yearning filled me completely - I was paralyzed with it.

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