Mar

23

The Root of My Evil

Filed Under Events, Flashbacks | 2 Comments

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life and I have been punishing myself for those mistakes for years. I have made myself so miserable it hurt to even breathe. I have always felt inherently bad and I deserved everything that happened. My therapists tell me that I had to blame myself for all the bad things that happened to me in order to survive my childhood. They say I had to keep the people who did those things good because they were the people I had to depend on. At first, the concept sounded completely ridiculous, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and it is starting to make sense. Maybe I’m not as horrible as I had convinced myself I was.

As a little girl I could not fathom that my step-father would verbally, sexually and physically me for his own pleasure, so I must have deserved or provoked it. I couldn’t allow myself to admit that my mother cared more about men and neglected me because she was selfish and only cared about her own needs. I told myself that I was bad, unimportant, and unworthy. I thought everything bad that happened was my fault.

For example, I was six years old the night my step-father took my virginity.

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