'we all go a little mad sometimes'
Self-Injury
I’ve struggled for the past seven or eight hours with a decision. I wanted to cut, but somehow, my will kept me from it. That was really rough. I haven’t had to resist temptation like that in a very long time. One of the things that helped was looking at a few pics from past lost battles.
Originally, I took the pictures because I thought the blood was beautiful. The later pics were taken to deter me from doing it again. I guess they served their purpose, at least for tonight. They deterred me from cutting or bloodletting. Pictures are posted on the next page. They are graphic and may be a trigger for other cutters. Due to the graphic nature of these pictures, you must be logged in to see them.
Sorry, but due to the personal nature of this post only logged in users can read it. If you have already registered then all you need to do is log in. If you have not registered yet then just click on the register link in the left sidebar or connect with your Facebook account.
Thanks,
BipolarChick
On this day..
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#3 written by Icequeen 5 years ago
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I don’t understand how doing it would be fun.
I didn’t always bleed like this. When I first began my cuts were very shallow, but they keep getting deeper and deeper until 2 very deep cuts, one was about a quarter inch and the other was a half inch deep. I had to get stitches for them. I just used normal razor blades. Cutting gets addictive and just like a drug you have to do it more and more to get the same high.
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The way my therapist explained it to me is that when we are injured endorphins are released to relax you and reduce the pain. She said cutting is an effective coping mechanism (no shit!) but it's very unhealthy.
I don't understand how doing it would be fun.
I didn't always bleed like this. When I first began my cuts were very shallow, but they keep getting deeper and deeper until 2 very deep cuts, one was about a quarter inch and the other was a half inch deep. I had to get stitches for them. I just used normal razor blades. Cutting gets addictive and just like a drug you have to do it more and more to get the same high.
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#6 written by Alicia 4 years ago
congrats at resisting the urge!!!
it takes a lot of power to do so.. i’m attempting to resist it right now, but for some reason couldn’t stop myself from typing “cutting self injury trigger pictures” in google.. and i came across this….not sure what my point is in this post…
uhm..
i’m gunna go now..-
Thanks, Alicia. I hope you were able to resist the urge. It takes a lot of willpower sometimes. I found the best thing to do when I feel the urge is either write, smoke a bowl, or get out of the house and away from my razor blades. You can resist the urge too. It is extremely hard at first, but you can do it. Feel free to email me anytime.
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#8 written by allie 4 years ago
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Thanks, Alicia.
I hope you were able to resist the urge. It takes a lot of willpower sometimes. I found the best thing to do when I feel the urge is either write, smoke a bowl, or get out of the house and away from my razor blades.
Allie, I escalated from shallow cuts to deep cuts that needed stitches within 6 months of relapsing.
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#11 written by cazey 4 years ago
hey good job resisting cutting
I'm a cutter and find it very difficult to stop myself. I've been cutting for over a year now but I never thought I would get deep til 2 nights ago. I proved myself wrong and now I can't stop. I want blood. I want it all day. I just want to cut. I'm addicted and once I start for that one cut I cant just stop after one. I keep going and I really don't want to mess up one day where I'm possibly dead because I "needed pain." well ya I just wanted to say this.-
Cazey, I certainly understand where you are coming from with this and I’m sorry that you are going through it. You are on a dangerous and painful path. I’m not going to tell you to stop hurting yourself because I know from personal experience that won’t help. What I will say is that there are safer alternative coping skills and you can develop them if you try. Mine is writing. Is there something you used to do that brought you peace or joy before you started cutting, such as drawing, writing, painting, reading? Doing something creative or constructive in place of cutting may help you break your addiction.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it, recovery from self-injury is extremely difficult and it is a long road. There will be relapses, but you can get past them and overcome the need to cut if you dedicate yourself to your recovery. In the meantime, please try to be safe and if you find yourself overwhelmed find the strength to ask someone for help. Good luck!
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#15 written by cazey 4 years ago
I knw I posted earlier today but now I'm have the worst urge ever and I really just want a loaded gun so I can end it all and not ecen try to keep going if ben fighting this über since about this time last nite and it's only getting worse and worse I esfliated to the point where I want the loaded gun I just idk really y I wanted to say this mayb bc the ppls I talk to just make it worse and I like what u have to say it's inspiring and has taught me I think more
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Cazey, I wish I could be there in person to help you through this. I hope you don’t have access to a gun, but if you do please have it removed. I understand that you may not feel like it, but you are loved, and it would emotionally destroy your loved ones if you take your own life. Suicide is not a good solution to your problems and it is a mistake that you cannot undo.
You may not love yourself enough to get help right now, but I’m sure you have some people in your life that you love and care about. If you can’t get help for yourself, do it for them. They need you. Please, if nothing else, call this number 1-800-273-TALK
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#17 written by Jack 4 years ago
were u hospitalized for any of the cuts?…and yeah it is addicting…i have over 80 sum scars and still can’t stop, nuthin works for me and i’ve tried everything pills, therapy,programs. my cuts used to b shallow 2 at first, now i should b gettin stitches but i don, i’m not goin to b hospitalized again…it kinda sux when ur threatened to be put in a hospital for a year.
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Jack, I had to go to the hospital for the cuts from the first picture. They tried to admit me to the psych ward (obviously), but when they left me alone in my little exam room in the E.R. I walked out of the hospital. I ended up checking myself in to a private psychiatric rehab (Brookhaven) a few weeks later because I was very suicidal. Luckily, I had excellent medical insurance at the time. I refused to go to a government funded facility because my mom was in one a few years ago and I heard many horror stories about it.
I definitely understand your reluctance to be hospitalized, especially for an unknown or extended period of time. However, if you are going to make it through this, you may have to get help. It is hard, but trust me, it is worth it. If you want to stop cutting, you can do it. I am an example of this. I wish there was a simple answer for everyone, but there isn’t. Find something to hold on to or do and use it to get you through the cravings. That is the best suggestion I can make and I hope it helps.
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Cazey, I wish I could be there in person to help you through this. I hope you don't have access to a gun, but if you do please have it removed. I understand that you may not feel like it, but you are loved, and it would emotionally destroy your loved ones if you take your own life. Suicide is not a good solution to your problems and it is a mistake that you cannot undo.
You may not love yourself enough to get help right now, but I'm sure you have some people in your life that you love and care about. If you can't get help for yourself, do it for them. They need you. Please, if nothing else, call this number 1-800-273-TALK
Jack, I had to go to the hospital for the cuts from the first picture. They tried to admit me to the psych ward (obviously), but when they left me alone in my little exam room in the E.R. I walked out of the hospital. I ended up checking myself in to a private psychiatric rehab (Brookhaven) a few weeks later because I was very suicidal. Luckily, I had excellent medical insurance at the time. I refused to go to a government funded facility because my mom was in one a few years ago and I heard many horror stories about it.
I definitely understand your reluctance to be hospitalized, especially for an unknown or extended period of time. However, if you are going to make it through this, you may have to get help. It is hard, but trust me, it is worth it. If you want to stop cutting, you can do it. I am an example of this. I wish there was a simple answer for everyone, but there isn't. Find something to hold on to or do and use it to get you through the cravings. That is the best suggestion I can make and I hope it helps.
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#20 written by cazey 4 years ago
thanx i wish some1 who would listen to what i have tos ay were here with me every1 i talk to only makes things worse and idk what to do anymore im getting to the point where i cut deeper and more everyday and i want the gun loaded and to my head more and i just dnt knw what to do and im just scared i dnt want to end my life i just cnt find any other way to fix my problems i knw i have problems i just cnt fix them. so i turn to cutting and i cnt beleive i actually got that bad last nite but it did and no1 was listening to my point and yes i do have access to guns they are all locked up but i knw where keys are so ya i dnt think it would emostionaly destroy anyone at all i really dnt have anyone
thanx ill keep that number in mind and i might use it and thanks alot this helps me so much just only to learn how to put it all into play and use it for myself to stop cutting and thinking about suicide all the time and thanxs again it helps alot:)
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#23 written by cazey 4 years ago
thanx iv found it veryy helpful and im glad i have found a good way to cope i have ben good but its starting to all come back again the verry bad urges and want to cut more and more again but im also very scared bc im affraid this time it will b too deep so im trying very very hard not to cut but ya thats verry hard i just hope i can make it through this like i did the last one thanx again it helps alot to talk to someone who knows the ffect and how hard it is to get over cutting and someone who gets exactilly what ur going thro
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I understand, that's for sure. After I needed stitches I was afraid of cutting too deep again (especially that close to my femoral artery). I did relapse after that, but I used a different cut site. I'm not saying to start cutting again, but if you do find yourself with your razor (or whatever you use) in your hand and ready, use a less dangerous place on your body.
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#26 written by SinEnthusiast 4 years ago
Uh. Am I the only one who doesn't think cutting is ALWAYS a bad thing? It's an Act. Its Safer than: Drinking, Smoking, Doing Drugs, Hooking up and Even Driving in a Car! As Long as you do 3 things, it's really not the worst thing you could be doing to your body. For gods sake.
Never cut where there is an Artery close enough to knick.
Clean and Bandage the Cuts once you have them.
And ALWAYS KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.
I know, I'm Probably going to get a LOT of shit for saying this, but It's a Free Country and It's My opinion..And not just Mine.I totaly agree though, Cutting CAN be Addicting. You CAN get hooked on the endorphin rush.
So, Like ANY Addictive thing as long as you do it in MODERATION and practice self-control..what is the real harm?
However, it should never ever be used because of depression. It solves nothing and causes more harm than you started with. -
#27 written by cazey 4 years ago
SinEnthusiast: na i totaly agree cutting can be bad but it can be good unfourtantly when your as bad as me its bad dont get me wrong i love the feeling i get from cutting and i love the way it can help me cope with things but iv let if go too long
i need help and yes i did stop for a day but i cnt contrlo my self anymore im cutting in skl in the shower eerywhere and at any randome moment im always thinking about it and i cnt stop my self anymore idk what to do anymore i just knw im gonna go too deep just once and that will b the end of my life bleeding and watching it all slip away which really isnt wat i want but cutting has taken over my life!
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#29 written by Tallulah 4 years ago
Cazey,
P.S. NO, this is not normal behavior. Do not listen to people that tell you "it's OK in moderation." It's not. It is self-destruction in any form. You're hurting inside so you are talking it out on your body to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain which is the real problem.
This blog is great but it saddens me to see some folks writing about their cutting but doing nothing to get help for themselves. When I did it, at first, I had no insurance. I got help through the county on a sliding scale fee and I am sure that you guys may able to seek help like this yourselves.
Please, please get some professional help. Again, it will only get worse.
Tallulah
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#30 written by Cazey up 4 years ago
Tullulah: thanx and I alredy have professional help t don't help me non iv tryed everything they have said nothing works for me I mean sometimes reading and sent things lim this helps sometimes it don't sometimes talking helps most the time not for both I just idk anymore and ya granted they arnt that deep but it's getting way worse each day
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#31 written by SinEnthusiast 4 years ago
Excuse Me, but Tallulah WHO exactly are YOU to tell me "I'M" not normal? Would you judge my Normality by just ONE of my actions? That's not fair in the least.
First off, as I said cutting ISN'T the worst thing you could be doing!!
It's NOT always self destructive. Some people cope with emotional pain by replacing it with Physical. When the physical pain is gone, so is the emotional and they are FINE.
But please. Instead of getting into a wrong/right argument, Cazey is more at risk right now. Lets see if we can help her and then, and only then will I debate you on my normalcy.Cazey: The most cuts I've ever had at one time was about 400, about 200 one each thigh. At that time, I was out of control. I admit it. But I realized that. You realize you’re losing control, so there is hope for you yet.
I do not recommend stopping Cold Turkey. Start out by coming to a number of cuts to make. If you NEED to, you can do that many in a week. Then, the next week halve the number of cuts you do. Again and again until you’re down to a safer place. It’s what worked for me.
Also, suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I can understand completely though. Sometimes it just seems like an easy out. But, it’ll stop you from enjoying the good parts of life.
Hon, if you’re cutting because you feel like no one’s listening to you, that’s not a good reason. But trust me when I say it, it won’t always be that way. Hell, we listen to you.
There is always hope. Always.
Never lose that. -
#32 written by Tallulah 4 years ago
I did not say that YOU were not normal. I said that the behavior of cutting in any form is not normal behavior. Any therapist or expert would tell you that. I am far from normal myself, actually, been there, done that. There is no form of cutting that is normal. Yes, there are worse things but that does not make cutting an "ideal" behavior. To minumize it that behavior to someone is not right, it makes it sound OK. That's like saying that drugs are bad but alcoholism is OK and acceptable behavior. Drugs as well as booze can kill you. I've seen booze kill some of my family members. I've had 'cutter' friends that got worse and worse over the years, they never sought any kind of personal help or counseling for the behavior and they ended up doing with even more self-destructive behaviors they had to contenc with. Same with bulimia – making one's self throw up in ANY form (unless you have been poisoned) is simply not normal behavior.
I am sorry that you don't agree with me but again, I have been there/ done that. Thankfully, I got help and counseling. I hope that my "fellow cutters" here do the same instead of telling someone else that "they could do a lot worse things to themselves."
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#33 written by cazey 4 years ago
okay ladies ppls lets not argu about whats right or rong plz!!!
okay so right now i want to cut open my skin and shread it too peices i want to do just that so bad but i knw i cnt bc well ya
but today i was so desperate i used a key and then a paper clip and i want to cut so bad but iv already cut 20 times today on my thigh and thats like alot for one day for me anyway and ya idk i need help i want out and fast b4 im gone if that makes sense and idk today is just so bad for some reason all iv done is cut cut and cut iv tryed all coping skills nothing worked for me nothing at all! -
#34 written by Tallulah 4 years ago
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Cazey, I certainly understand where you are coming from with this and I'm sorry that you are going through it. You are on a dangerous and painful path. I'm not going to tell you to stop hurting yourself because I know from personal experience that won't help. What I will say is that there are safer alternative coping skills and you can develop them if you try. Mine is writing. Is there something you used to do that brought you peace or joy before you started cutting, such as drawing, writing, painting, reading? Doing something creative or constructive in place of cutting may help you break your addiction.
I'm not going to sugar-coat it, recovery from self-injury is extremely difficult and it is a long road. There will be relapses, but you can get past them and overcome the need to cut if you dedicate yourself to your recovery. In the meantime, please try to be safe and if you find yourself overwhelmed find the strength to ask someone for help. Good luck!
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I miss mania and hypomania […]
I can’t say I understand how hurting yourself can make you feel better, but I can say that I’m glad you were able to resist the urge to hurt yourself. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.