I’ve had a hard time today. I didn’t go to . I had every intention of going. I woke up and got ready and everything. I really tried to make myself go, but overcame me… again. It’s like late summer and fall 2005 all over. What is wrong with me, and why the hell won’t it go away?

I’ve had a huge knot in my stomach and back all day. Every single time I think about going to work in the morning a big ball of panic begins to grow in my chest. I fucking HATE this.

I keep thinking about cutting. I’ve been trying to avoid my bedroom all evening. I know if I go in there I won’t be able to ignore the siren call of my razor and needle. I am aching to cut myself.

I watched a movie with in an attempt to distract myself, but it didn’t work very well, obviously. I keep thinking about everything that has to be done and I’m worried about my job. I feel like a failure and I feel weak.

I feel human, and I don’t like it. I’ve been the woman of steel for so long I don’t know how to let my guard down and reach out to my loved ones. The floodgate has been opened and my emotions are overwhelming me, but I am frozen in the silence of .

I am so angry with myself because I did it again… tried to fool myself into thinking I was better. I’m not better. I’m pretty fucking far from better. I’m writing what my lips will not speak and I’m trying so hard to resist the urges but this tug-of-war is exhausting. Tori is less than ten feet away from me but I cannot reach out to her. I don’t want to disappoint her or anyone else. They all believe the act that I’m fine. If only they knew what was going on… but they don’t and I’m not going to tell them. I want to give up and give in to the urges. I know I’ll feel better if I cut.

What does a person have to do to have peace? I doubt we ever have it – except when we’re dead.

I wonder why people fear . I have never been afraid of it. I was always fascinated by it because I knew it had to be better than life. It surely couldn’t be worse.

On this day..