Assignment: Concentrate on forgiveness. Make up a “forgiveness list” with times and reasons you haven’t forgiven yourself or when others have hurt you. Write your and thoughts about the memories.When I’ve been hurt and things I haven’t forgiven myself for:

  • My father rejected me: I felt worthless, unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, sad, depressed, unimportant, inadequate, like a mistake, and like a burden. First suicide attempt.
  • My , , abused me verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I felt degraded, worthless, sad, rejected, defective, dirty, ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, crazy, unloved, ugly, repulsed, hatred, afraid and disgust.
  • 3 miscarriages: I felt like they were my fault and I deserved the pain and I didn’t deserve to be a mother. Anguish, , , and so much I thought I would explode. I also felt suicidal. If hadn’t been so supportive after the 1st I’m afraid I would have killed myself because the grief was so great.
  • Erick’s betrayal: Angry because he lied to me for so long, hurt because he lied to me, confused because I loved and hated him at the same time, betrayed because it felt like our whole relationship had been built on lies, foolish because I believed everything he told me, miserable, heartbroken, distrustful, grief for the life that we could have had together; jealousy – I was jealous of his wife; and doubt – I doubted his for me. I forgave him a long time ago, but he was one of the people that I was unable to forgive for quite some time.
  • Breakup with Erick: I after Erick and I broke up. I did it for a few reasons: I was so devastated and hopeless that I didn’t want to live if I couldn’t have him; I wanted to punish him; there were several other things going on in my life at the time as well and I became overwhelmed. I felt unlovable, foolish, miserable, regretful, abandoned, stupid, alone, hopeless, bitter, vengeful, upset, hurt, relieved, rejected, angry, and depressed.
  • I haven’t forgiven myself for letting my relationship and friendship with Erick fall apart or for hurting him because of my anger. I know now that it was exacerbated by my illness, but I still committed the act of humiliating him and for that I am sorry.
  • Pete raped me when I was 17: Anger, rage, hatred, , guilt, dirty, pain, used, degraded, helpless, afraid, suicidal and I wanted to chop his penis off and shove it down his throat.
  • Raped when I was 10 by Larry’s nephew: I was asleep when it started. I felt thankful at first because afterwards he said I was his and he made it where I wouldn’t be a whore. I didn’t know what a whore was but the way he made it sound I knew I didn’t want to be one. Later, when I started going to counseling because the sexual from Larry I started having nightmares about Mike raping me. I felt ashamed, guilty and dirty.
  • Neighbor molested me at knife point in a park when I was 6: I was scared he was going to kill me. I felt ashamed, guilty, helpless, dirty, embarrassed, and terrified.
  • Sexual abuse from another member from age 6-20: He molested me from 6 yrs old until I was 12. After I turned 12 he started raping me and did not stop until I was 20. The love that gave me gave me strength to stop the abuser from continuing his assaults.
  • Raymond left me and married his ex 2 weeks later: I was devastated for months. I felt abandoned, rejected, worthless, not worthy, foolish, pissed, used, ugly, manipulated, miserable, vengeful, bitter, depressed, stupid, hopeless, grief, heartbroken, suicidal.
  • My mom went to for selling drugs when I was 9: I had just been diagnosed with a disease that scared the hell out of me, rheumatic fever which later developed into rheumatic heart disease. My little sister was only 8 months old. We had to go live with our grandparents. I felt abandoned, resentful, angry, sad, alone, ashamed, upset, hurt, shocked, depressed, and suicidal. While my mom was in prison is when I turned to food and started getting fat.
  • Ridiculed for being overweight: ugly, embarrassed, sad, hurt, ashamed, rejected, criticized, and angry. I would be so upset and mad that I’d go home and eat until the pain went away.
  • I was responsible for everyone starting at age 6 when my brother was born: My mom put all of her responsibility on my shoulders as soon as she was single and she put men before her children. I felt resentment, hatred, rage, overwhelmed, not good enough, unwanted, unloved, unlovable, used, and taken for granted.

On this day..