Last night, after Jess picked up McKayla, Noah came over to see me. After I let him in the apartment he followed me to the living room. I had my back to him so he wrapped his arms around me (I LOVE when guys do that) and started kissing the back of my neck. It felt so good that my eyes involuntarily rolled back a little. Then he started squeezing my breasts. (Damn this guy is a quick learner - he knows most of the buttons to push to get me horny as hell. We had only had sex 2 nights previously - several times both night though

I had a therapy appt. That doctor cracks me up. He’s about 65 years old and funny as shit. He wants me to tell my team lead to kiss my ass if they fire me. He also wants me to consult an attorney even if Directv doesn’t fire me because how they treated me before I went to the hospital. He said they are discriminating against me because I’m bipolar.

I’m just going through the motions
Maybe no one will notice
All the Pain festering inside
Maybe no one will hear my tormented cries.

I will drown in my Happy memories
Maybe no one will catch on
Does anyone know who I really am?
Maybe no one cares.

Bring on the Pain; it is what I know.
Maybe no one will hurt me again
I buried my heart in a deep black hole.
Maybe no one will find it.

Why do I care what other people think of me?
Maybe no one knows I’m here -
Trying to remember no one can be trusted
Maybe no one understands what is wrong.

The facade of normality is exhausting.
Maybe no one sees past the mask.
I long for the peaceful oblivion of nothingness
Maybe no one will save me.

Trapped –
In a black hole
Clawing at the darkness
Trying to find a way OUT –

The more I fight, the deeper I sink –
Quicksand engulfs me.
I’m on the verge of giving up –
But wait…

Was that a speck of light?!?
Did a shadow fall –
Across my tear-streaked Face?
Is someone out there?

TALK TO ME, PLEASE!
Are you there?
HELP me out of this shuttered empty room
No, STOP! Please, don’t leave me –

Abandoned –
Alone –
Unloved –
Story of my life.

Written 8/18/05

I’ve been struggling for the past seven or eight hours with a decision. I wanted to cut, but somehow, my will kept me from it. That was really rough. I haven’t had to resist temptation like that in a very long time. One of the things that helped was looking at a few pics from past lost battles. Originally, I took the pictures because I thought the blood was beautiful. The later pics were taken to deter me from doing it again. I guess they served their purpose, at least for tonight. They deterred me from cutting or bloodletting tonight. Go to the next page and you can see the pictures, but they are somewhat graphic and may be a trigger for other cutters.

I’ve had a hard time today. I didn’t go to work. I had every intention of going. I woke up and got ready and everything. I really tried to make myself go, but fear overcame me… again. It’s like late summer and fall 2005 all over. What is wrong with me, and why the hell won’t it go away?

Today was Isaiah’s (Jeff and Carah’s son) 4th birthday party. He is getting so big. I can’t believe he’s 4 yrs old already. Damn, time flies. The party was over at my Auntie’s. All the kids were there except McKayla and McKenzie. I haven’t seen McKenzie in over a month. The last time I saw McKayla was when mom brought her to see me while I was in the “hospital”.

I originally wrote this poem when I was 13. It’s a true story. I’ve been having dreams about it again because therapy opened the floodgate. I want the memories to go away, but I know I have to face them this time if I want to change.

Well, the vacation from my problems is almost over.

I just did something that I may be really embarrassed about later. I found Erick’s new yahoo id and messaged him. I also added him to my buddy list. I know I said that I’d wait until he contacted me first, but I couldn’t help it. I had a dream about him last night and I can’t get him off my mind.