Since the New Year’s Eve fiasco I’ve been scrutinizing myself; trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix it. I can’t stand being this way anymore. If I don’t do something about it, I’m afraid it will kill me. The fact that the hospital tried to commit me was a very loud wake up call.I’ve already been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve been researching various mental and mood disorders, trying to figure out how to cure myself. After all my research I’ve discovered my symptoms also match avoidant personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.

I’m not a shrink so I don’t know the difference between the two, but I do know that I exhibit most of the behaviors that are listed in the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for both of these personality disorders. I don’t know if they are co-morbid or if they are two completely separate disorders.

The following and behaviors are the basis of my self-diagnosis:
* Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment or to cause it.
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (mine are spending, promiscuous , and binge eating)
* Recurrent behavior and thoughts.
* Self-injury. (Clawing, pinching, scratching, , hitting, , preventing wounds from healing as long as possible.)
* Chronic feelings of emptiness.
* Intense and difficulty controlling it.
* Avoidance of activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of of criticism, disapproval, and rejection.
* Unwillingness to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.
* Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed, ridiculed, criticized or rejected.
* Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
* Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
* Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, and inferior to others.
* Very reluctant to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
* Intense fear of being judged, criticized, or humiliated.

Other feelings and behaviors that I don’t think are “normal”.
* I feel like everyone is staring at and judging me all the time.
* I constantly worry about everything.
* I get really bad tension headaches several times a week.
* I have chronic insomnia. Medications have been prescribed for treatment but they don’t really or the side effects aren’t worth it.
* I’m always tense and my stomach is tied in knots most of the time.
* It’s impossible for me to relax unless I get . I think the only reasons I’m able to relax when I’m is because it dumbs down my brain and I’m not constantly worrying about everything. It also lowers my inhibitions and makes me not care if people are staring at or judging me. That is how I used to deal with it, but now when I get I’m unable to control the urge to injure myself.
* Panic attacks.
* Always defensive.
* I feel deeply hurt with any sort of criticism.
* I try to achieve perfection (especially at work) to avoid criticism.
* I isolate myself from people when I feel like they are getting too close to the real me because I know if they get to know the real me they will leave me. I do whatever it takes to push them away, but when I’m doing it I don’t realize it until it’s too late to repair the relationship.
* I’m able to perceive what others what me to be and I pretend that I am for as long as I can. I am different to everyone. If someone surveyed everyone I’ve ever known (not including ) about me I don’t think any of them would say the same things with the exception of emotional aloofness.

I don’t know how to fix it. It kills me to have to get help. It makes me feel even worse, but at this point I know I have to get help. I can’t do this alone and the medication obviously isn’t working. It just masks some of the behaviors. I yearn for some semblance of a healthy, happy life with stable relationships. I know most of my fears are irrational but that doesn’t make them go away.

I’m complete screwed emotionally. I grew up in a home with an abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically) step-father. My mother turned a blind eye to what he did. My real father wasn’t a part of my life because he was in and out of prison for most of it. The last prison sentence that I know of was for murder. My mom is bipolar with auditory delusions and hallucinations. Etc.. I could go on, but reliving it doesn’t help me deal with it any better, so I pretend it didn’t happen.

It seems like no matter what I do I end up making things worse than better. I’m self-destructive and I tend to sabotage myself, not on purpose, but it always happens. I get angry and frustrated because I can’t make myself normal and I push everyone away. I have tried and tried to stop but I have failed so far.

I hurt constantly but I can’t cry or communicate with people in my life. I just write everything, it doesn’t solve anything but it does help a bit. I don’t really have a (healthy) way to release or express all these pent up emotions which causes more and anxiety. The only relief I get is by making myself bleed. I either cut or bloodlet. The physical pain takes my mind off the emotional pain.

Cutting provides more relief than bloodletting but it leave marks that are getting too hard to cover up because my roommates frequently check me after what I did on New Year’s Eve, so I bloodlet. I put a piercing needle in my arm and bleed into a pickle jar. The amount of blood I release depends on how bad I’m feeling inside. If the bleeding stops before I’m ready then I put the needle into a different vein and bleed until I feel the emotions have been released or at least dulled to a manageable level. Then I seal the jar and store it under my bed until I can dispose of it without anyone finding out.

The self-injury is escalating to a dangerous level. During my periods of lucidity I am afraid that one day I will injury myself so badly that it can’t be fixed by butterflies, super glue, or stitches.

Different emotions cause me to resort to self-injury. The most common are:
Too much pressure/stress.
When I feel overwhelmed and out of control.
When I’m mad at myself for being the way that I am.
When I’m angry at others and can’t express it.
When I start caring for and/or trusting someone too much.
When I need to communicate but can’t because I’m so scared of rejection, criticism, disapproval, or judgment.
When I get drunk.
When I need to be punished.

The urge is always there but I can control it up to a point. Before I resort to cutting or bloodletting (unless something bad happens) I usually pinch or claw myself until I feel better. If that doesn’t work then I cut or bloodlet. When I have cuts or stitches I can’t let them scab over. I’m constantly picking at them so they take longer to heal and are painful longer.

I can’t take this constant cycle anymore. Something has to happen to break it.

On this day..