The past few days in the hospital have helped me tremendously. I’ve only had the urge to cut a few times. Unfortunately, one of those times is right now. That’s why I’m writing - to try to reduce the urge. I know I could find a way to cut. I’m off suicide watch now and can check out a razor from one of the psych techs.

I’ve been in the “hospital” since 1/24/07, but I didn’t come here (Brookhaven) until 1/25/07. The first day here I was on unit restriction and suicide watch. I was taken off unit restriction and allowed to go to the TV room as long as the psych techs knew where I was. They also allowed me to go to the dining room with the other patients. I’m still on suicide watch though.

Process group questions on triggers:

1. What are my triggers?

• Being unable to express my feelings because of my fears (rejection, judgment, abandonment, ridicule, embarrassment, criticism) and my feelings of being unworthy and unlovable.
• Becoming too emotionally attached to someone, especially in a romantic relationship.
• Depression
• Flashbacks of good and bad memories
• Memorable places
• Anniversaries (rape, breakups, miscarriages, engagements, relationships, deaths and birthdates of loved ones.)
• Deep emotional pain
• Anger at myself and others — this is one of my main triggers
• When I feel like I need punished

I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too hard. I’ve been feeling very suicidal all month. I’m so fucked up in the head right now. All I want to do is kill myself and get it over with.

I found a website designed by a woman that almost killed herself. She’s trying to help people that are in the dark place she was in once. She made a lot of sense and I know if I don’t get some professional help I am going to end up killing myself.

My job would rather me kill myself than miss work to get help.

I’m bipolar. I’ve been fighting suicidal urges for several months. They are getting harder and harder to resist. I have resorted to cutting (again) and bloodletting. I hadn’t cut in years until December 05. After a few really good sessions I’d be good for a month or two. Until New years eve my last cutting episode was in September. On New years bad things happened and I was drunk. When I’m intoxicated it’s really hard to ignore the urges to hurt myself.

Some bad things happened today.

I’m sick of pretending.
I’m sick of trying to be what everyone wants me to be.
I’m sick of running.
I’m sick of being lonely.
I’m sick of being me.
Put me out of my misery.

Since the New Year’s Eve fiasco I’ve been scrutinizing myself; trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix it. I can’t stand being this way anymore. If I don’t do something about it, I’m afraid it will kill me. The fact that the hospital tried to commit me was a very loud wake up call.

I want…

I want all this bad shit to stop happening
I want everything to be alright
I want to feel better and stop wishing for death
I want to sleep at night

I confessed the truth to Nick last night. I told him that the bloodletting began when we were seeing each other. I told him about the cutting as well. I also told him the truth about what happened on New Years Eve.