I was pleasantly surprised with the way our family Thanksgiving turned out. After so many dysfunctional holidays in the past I’ve come to expect some sort of drama to unfold every time. However, this year was perfectly normal (by societal standards anyway):

No one got beat up, hell no one even argued; No one made huge scenes in front of all the neighbors; No one ran their arm through a car window trying to pull their significant other out of the car. No one was chasing after anyone with a 2 X 4. My mom didn’t go ape-shit, (she must be taking her meds and finally off the tweek. That’s something to be thankful for, let me tell ya.) Even the kids behaved perfectly. It was almost as if I stepped into a parallel universe.

Today would have been Tara’s 29th birthday. I still can’t believe she’s been gone for ten years. I was searching for some pictures of us but I only found one. I framed it with a frame I had came across earlier and displayed it in the living room. We look very happy. She’s holding me.

Even though we had different mothers we look a lot alike. When I viewed her body at the funeral home I couldn’t believe the resemblance. It was like looking at a blonde version of myself.

I had the LEEP done this morning. It hurt, but wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. I’m glad I had expected the worst. The doctor only shaved a couple layers out to perform a biopsy on instead of getting all the cancer cells out. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I know it means that if the pathology comes back bad then I’m going to have to go through another procedure which would most likely be inpatient surgery. That really sucks, but I’m trying not to think about it. Especially since I won’t have the results back for about two weeks because of the holiday.

It bled a lot more than I expected and the cramps are painful, but it could have been worse. Tori went along with me again. I love her so much. She’s more like a sister than my cousin. We’re pretty tight.

After watching OU beat Baylor, I was laying on my bed relaxing. The phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize but I answered it anyway because when I lost my cell I lost all my phone numbers as well. I hadn’t gotten everyone’s number to put into my new phone yet.

It was Jesse Faz. I hadn’t talked to him for about eight months. He was one of my best friends when we were growing up. We’ve been friends for almost 15 years. I can’t believe it’s been that damned long. We tried a relationship a few times, but his feelings ran deeper than mine. I couldn’t really think of him as more than a really close friend. He was like a brother to me.

After I calmed down a bit last night I texted Nick and told him that my surgery is Monday. Once I told him the no sex for four weeks after surgery part he told me I should come over to hang out. Uh oh… cue the complications.

Since Nick and I started ‘talking’ again almost three months ago we haven’t had sex. I’d been trying to keep things in the just friends stage. We’ve flirted a lot and he tried to get me to stay the night a few times, but I made sure nothing came of it. The last time he invited me over, I dragged Tori along so she could cockblock. He was pissed off and didn’t talk to me for a almost a week. I’m stubborn as hell and also somewhat prideful, so I refused to call him first.

After five or so days without a word he sent me a generic ‘what’s up?’ text message. A few messages later he told me that he was getting married to a girl he had met a few days before. The wedding was supposedly going to be two weeks later. Yeah right. I didn’t buy that shit for a second. I know Nick well enough to know he was testing me and it pissed me off. I controlled my anger and congratulated him, however a few text messages later I told him how stupid he was being. Nick plays a lot of games. I hate it.

Shortly after I got home from work my phone rang. It was a nurse from Dr. what’s his name’s office. She told me that the lab report was back and the doctor wanted me to come in Monday morning for the LEEP. Great, two whole days notice. I didn’t like the urgency in her voice. It made me extremely uneasy.

Of course, I’ve been worrying about it all evening.

I’m off work Monday, but not Tuesday. I’m not sure if I’m gonna be in a lot of pain afterwards or not. I certainly was after my first appointment with that doctor. I’ll ask my manager if he will override REM so I can have most of Tuesday off just in case I’m in agony. I only have 7 1/2 hours of PTO so I’ll have to go in for at least a half hour. I figure that even if I’m hurting I can work an hour or so.

2 Jennings Women Die in House Fire
Rod Walton
11/08/1996
TULSA WORLD (FINAL HOME EDITION Edition), Page A11 of City State, News

JENNINGS — A woman and her teen-age granddaughter perished Thursday in a house fire that may have gone unnoticed by the two because the only smoke detector in the home had no battery in it, officials say.
Wanda McCosar, 64, and Tara Finney, 19, both died from smoke inhalation, authorities believe. Their bodies were found inside the house east of Jennings around mid-afternoon.
McCosar’s body was found lying on the sofa in the living room, said Dave Frick, fire chief with the Jennings Volunteer Fire Department. Finney’s body was discovered in a bedroom.
Finney would have celebrated her birthday later this month, Frick said.
The home had only one smoke detector, and it had no battery, Frick pointed out.
”Definitely if they had a working smoke detector, and more of them, this situation wouldn’t have happened,” he said. A passerby called firefighters after seeing smoke. Authorities
believe the fire could have been burning for some time before its discovery.
The fire apparently started in a wall by the kitchen, Frick said. However, there were no indications the fire was started from a nearby stove or from an electrical malfunction, he said.
Although the state fire marshal was still investigating, authorities do not believe foul play was involved, Frick said.
Ironically, the damage to the home was limited because the fire burned up a water line.
“The water squirted straight up and that’s probably what saved the house,” Frick said.
Investigators are not sure when the blaze started. All they know is McCosar returned from her job in Sand Springs Wednesday night and Finney was due to report to her workplace Thursday morning. When she didn’t show up, a fellow employee called the home, but the line was busy.
”The phone was burned up,” Frick said.
The bodies have been taken to the Medical Examiner’s Office in Tulsa, Frick said.
The younger woman had been living with her grandmother for several years, said Cleveland firefighter Les Harper, who was on the scene as part of the ambulance service.
”It was pretty hard on the Fire Department,” said Harper, who went to school with Finney. “It’s all small town out here, and everybody knows everybody. They were just nice people.”
Jennings Fire Chief Frick said McCosar was known as someone who worked hard despite her age.
”She had a job and cut her own wood,” he said.

World staff writer P.J. Lassek contributed to this story.

My sister Tara died ten years ago today. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I miss her so much. I hate her mother, Pam, for preventing us from growing up together. I wonder if she ever feels guilty about keeping two sisters who loved each other dearly apart. I will never forgive her for what she has done. She robbed us both.

The day of Tara’s funeral was a very hard day for me. I was so terribly sad, but I was numb at the same time. I couldn’t even cry for my sister. I was crying plenty on the inside, but I bottled it up, just like I always do.

After the service, mom, my father’s brother, and I drove back to Tulsa. I was still in shock that Tara was gone. It just didn’t seem fair. She was so young.

When we got back to town we went over to Dena’s apartment. Mom and uncle Gary started getting drunk. They went out to a bar, but before they left, they were all over each other. Dena was asleep because she was pregnant and tired. I got high with David and Jeff. I tried to keep my mind off my mom and uncle. I was pissed off at them. I felt like they were disrespecting Tara.

Yesterday was my appt with the gyno/oncologist for the colposcopy. Tori went along with me for moral support.

I should have started my period October 19th, but it was the day after Dr. Abshere gave the wonderful news. I guess the stress postponed my period.

We got to the office and the nurse took me back to the room. The doctor walked in and of course, he was male. He had me get up on the table and assume that god awful position. He had this huge light/microscope thingy. That thing looked scary. He inserted the speculum and then this tiny sharp tool. He poked hard and it hurt like hell.

I was laying there wishing it would hurry up and be over with and his phone rang. Believe it or not, he took the damn call! I was laying there all sprawled out with this cold metal speculum halfway inside me and this giant light/microscope pointed at my cookie. It wasn’t my finest moment, that’s for sure. I wanted to kick him in his head.

I had to work Halloween this year. Luckily I work 5:30am - 2:00 pm so I was off work in plenty of time to celebrate. DirecTV wanted the employees to wear costumes so I did. I went as a vampire bride. Work was fun they always do a lot of cool shit up there for the employees.

After I got off work I headed home. I hung out with Tori and Dudney for awhile, then I went to perform my Samhain ritual.

Afterwards, Tori, Dudney, and I partied. We were going to go to the Witches’ Ball but it was canceled this year, damn it. We finally decided to just go hang out at Cockleburz. We were all in costume. We got drunk and smoked a bowl before we went.

The regulars were at the bar and we all just bullshitted and partied together like usual. That bar is like Cheers. Everyone knows everyone, it’s cool.