I just had some . :D

You know those annoying-ass, door-knocking, proselytizing, holier-than-thou assholes that go around trying to “save your soul from eternal damnation and the depths of hell”, well, I just scared the hell (no pun intended) out of a few of them.

It’s my day off so I’ve just been puttering around the apartment trying to recharge myself. I was considering taking a nap (I stayed out until almost 6am this morning and only slept a couple hours) when lo and behold my doorbell rang.

I hate surprise visits so at first I was annoyed by the interruption. I was quite busy (lying on the couch listening to HIM and smoking a cigarette) and didn’t have time for a social visit. Besides that, I had no idea who it could’ve been and I’m too short to look out the peep-hole. Grudgingly, I got up and answered the door.

To my surprise it was a woman and a child I didn’t know from Adam. I thought they had knocked on the wrong door or something when the woman whipped out a booklet and handed it to me all matter-of-factly. It was called Watchtower or something like that. Then it dawned on me that my doorstep was being lightened by Jehovah’s Witnesses. Oh Joy!

I thought about being nice and humoring them, but then the child noticed my pentacle necklace and pet snake. He tugged at his mother’s skirt and pointed to Osiris. The woman saw what the child was scared of and then she looked back at me. The look of horror in her eyes when she saw my necklace was classic. It was like she expected the clouds to part and a bolt of lightning to strike me dead in front of her and when it didn’t she got that deer-in-the-headlights look like I was going to turn her into a toad and sacrifice her child to Satan or something.

She didn’t know what to do. I was slightly offended and thought about toying with her a bit, but then I appreciated her ignorance of what kind of person I am and my beliefs as well as her conditioning to or hate people like me. So, I took the high road. I smiled politely and told her I would look at the pamphlet but I was busy and I invited her back some other time. She couldn’t get off my porch fast enough. It was sad, but it a funny way. (I could get preachy and tell a moral of the story, but I won’t – not yet anyway, lol.)

I watched her practically run to her car then I went back into my apartment and decided I would go ahead and take the nap I had been considering. I turned the air-conditioner down, grabbed my favorite snuggly blanket, put on my favorite mp3 playlist and crawled up on the couch. I was starting to doze off when the damn phone rang. I just let it go since it was the house phone. About 30 mins later I was almost asleep again and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t another knock at the door.

This time I was irritated and almost pissed off. I opened the door with an attitude and it was 2 dudes in dressy church clothes carrying the book of Mormon. Holy hell! I wondered to myself if it was National Proselytizing Day or something.

The Alpha-Mormon immediately barraged me with his spiel about Jesus Christ being the savior of the world, etc. By this time I had lost my patience.

I cut him off mid-sentence and said I’m pagan and not interested in a sermon. I expected him to bow out and go away. Apparently, that was too much to ask for. He kept talking. My cell phone rang about 5 seconds later, so I walked away from the door and answered it. It was Vance (one of my exes). It’s my lucky day.

I talked to him for a few minutes in hopes that the holy rollers would leave. I went to shut the door and I’ll be god-damned if they weren’t still there.

The Alpha-Mormon asked me if I had ever known Jesus. I so wanted to be a smart-ass and tell him about my friend Jesus Faz, but I didn’t. I told him yes I was familiar with Christ and his followers and that I had grown up in a Pentecostal household, but as an adult I made a different choice and I am not interested in being re-converted. He did not reply which surprised me a bit. I was about to shut the door when the Beta-Mormon finally spoke up.

He asked me what I meant when I said I was pagan. I told him I’m Wiccan. He then asked me what I believe. I said, “I believe in a deity with balanced female and male duality.” He didn’t reply.

The Alpha-Mormon gave me a form to order some video on Jesus. He asked if I would use it. I told him I might but that I wouldn’t make any promises. He wanted to know what turned me away from Christ. I told him I didn’t agree with the masochism and misogyny that comes with Christianity. The only thing he could say was, “We’re sorry to have bothered you.” Then they left.

I haven’t answered the door since.

On this day..