After I had to haul ass to my doctor appointment (for the dreaded annual pelvic exam). I was a little worried about requesting the std tests, not because I was having any symptoms or anything like that, but because I had engaged in unprotected with (don’t worry about the exact number) people since my last exam two years ago.I’m usually the condom queen, but when I had with those guys, I was and less concerned about safe . Stupid jager…. I’m not blaming the . I blame myself for letting my inhibitions get low enough that I didn’t care about the risks I was taking.

I recently got medical insurance so I didn’t have to go to planned parenthood anymore. The only reasons I ever went there are because only women work there and the exams are free. My new doctor is a man (a handsome man BTW). So I wasn’t in any rush to have the exam done, but I knew it was overdue and my mind kept nagging me to have it done… I should’ve known something was wrong then.

So anyways, I get to the doctor’s office and wait forever in the damned waiting room. My name was finally called and I walked into the exam room with the nurse. She told me to wait to disrobe and the doctor would come in a talk with me for a bit first (how sweet, LOL). After that he told me to take my clothes off and get on the table. I did as he asked and then I had to assume the position. You know the one – butt schooched all the way to the end of the table with legs sprawled open and feet in stirrups.

As soon as I was positioned correctly, I remembered my clit ring was still in and I hoped like hell that he wouldn’t comment about it.

I was pretty tense. When he inserted the speculum I contracted around it so tightly that it shot out, landed on the floor and broke. How embarrassing! He kinda laughed and said I needed to relax. Ha, easy for him to say!

He grabbed another speculum. He made sure to keep it in this time. He finished the scraping and I thought the exam was done. Then he said he also need to do a manual (which I had never had). He covered two fingers with lube then inserted them inside me and started pushing on my lower abdomen. OUCH! I guess it could’ve been worse… he could have stuck his finger up my ass.
Finally, it was over. I asked him to test for everything. Since the Queen of Condoms (me) had temporarily seceded her crown I wanted to make sure I didn’t have anything that Ajax wouldn’t wash off.

He said, “Okay, but we’ll need some blood as well.” No problem, I marched my butt down to the lab and had a few tubes of blood drawn. They told me the lab work would be back in a day or two.

I went home and didn’t really think about it anymore. I was confident I didn’t have HIV because I frequently donate blood and surely they would have discovered it.

The results came in 2 business days later. The nurse called me and said all the labs were clean – so I didn’t have HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc. Thank Goddess! So I figured the was over for another year. Boy, was I wrong.

Two days later, half an hour before I was scheduled to get off work my cell phone started vibrating. I looked at the caller id and saw it was the doctor’s office. I thought it was strange, but I knew it must’ve been important. I couldn’t answer it right then because I was one the phone with a customer so I hurried the customer off the phone because whoever had called left a voicemail and I wanted to check it. (My curiosity always gets the best of me.) I went to the bathroom to listen to it. It was my doctor himself. At that point I got lightheaded and dizzy. I knew that doctors only call when something is wrong.

I knew I should wait to call him until the end of my shift, but I couldn’t. I had to know what was wrong with me.

I called and he said he had gotten the results from the pelvic exam and that I have cervical . My head started spinning and I instantly started crying. He told me that he was going to refer me to a gynecologic oncologist to determine what stage it is in and how to treat it. He said he needed me to see the specialist right away. Talk about some scary shit! I didn’t know what to say. I got off the phone with him and tried to wrap my mind around what I had just learned.

I had a panic attack. I knew that I couldn’t get back on the phone with customers even though I only had fifteen minutes left on my shift. I went to a supervisor and asked her to put in an exception through REM (the scheduling department), then I left.

I was thoroughly freaking out. I got in the car and started driving. I was trying to calm myself down but it didn’t work very well. I passed Cockleburz and saw that Dena was still there. I parked, wiped my face, put on my sunglasses and went in. I went straight back to the kitchen. Dena was on the phone but she could tell that I had been crying.

She got off the phone and asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell her, but when I would open my mouth the tears would take over again and I couldn’t talk. Finally, I got it out. I cried on her shoulder for about ten minutes and then I pulled myself together.

Joe came back to the table I was sitting at with Dena. He asked what was wrong, but I didn’t tell him. I don’t really like to talk about things like that directly – in person anyway. I’m not a gifted speaker. I prefer to write everything. Besides that, I don’t confide in people very often.

I went to the bathroom to compose myself. Then went back to the table. I saw that I had missed three calls from . I called her back and she asked me how I was.

Damn, news travels fast.

She knows me well. I talked with her a bit about it then she said she was gonna come over and stay the night with me.

I keep trying to talk myself into denial that what the doctor told me is serious – trying to suppress the that I may lose what makes me a woman along with my chance to have my own children.

The revelation that something like this is happening to me has rattled me to the very core of my soul. How could this be happening? I thought I was too young for something like this.

How do I deal with it? I can deny that anything is wrong (a.k.a. be positive), be realistic, or assume the worst (a.k.a be pessimistic).

I just want to pretend that everything is fine. I wish I hadn’t gone for that damn exam. Ignorance is bliss.

On this day..